It's also currently 10860 words and I know I'm going to want to cut it down to under 10K so any feedback on parts you find overly boring/long would be greatly appreciated. And, of course, I'd welcome your feedback on just the first 13 if that's all you have time/interest for.

First Thirteen:

Agents from the Transdimensional Migration Services were fairly high up on the list of people I didn't want knocking on my front door, but they weren't at the top. As the TMS agents went through all the official business of showing me their badges, I ticked through that list to console myself. It could have been one of my fellow Shadowkin, trying to convince me to come home again. A hit squad of Kindlekin, fully flaming and determined to kill me. My next-door-neighbor, inviting me to another bizarre human ritual like the Halloween party she'd thrown last month.

My Creator. It could have been my Creator.

As soon as the TMS agents finished their introductions, Agent Twiford dropped the half-expected bombshell. "Aerlene Georys, we're going to have to ask you to come with us."

An Earlier Attempt At The First Thirteen (With More Action):

Five times. I bit my tongue and kept silent as the two agents from the Transdimensional Migration Services went through all the official business of introducing themselves and showing me their badges. Inside I was fuming. The TMS had sent agents to my house five times, now. In one year!

When they finished, Agent Twiford dropped the half-expected bombshell. "Ms. Georys, we're going to have to ask you to come with us."

"What for?" I said, not budging an inch.

"We can't say."

"Then I'm not going anywhere." I moved to shut my door, but Twiford stepped forward and put out his hand to keep the door open.

"I'm going to ask you once more, and if you still refuse to

[This message has been edited by Kitti a bizillion times because she keeps forgetting how to italicize via code (edited January 21, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Kitti (edited January 21, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 21, 2010).]
 

I'll take a stab at your 1st13.

Agents from the Transdimensional Migration Services were fairly high up on the list of people I didn't want knocking on my front door

I like this Transdimensional Migration Services idea, so I read on. Then I learn the MC has a reason for not liking this TMS, so I read on because nothing good can come from the TMS now.

As the TMS agents went through all the official business of showing me their badges, I ticked through that list to console myself.

Hmmm, the way I see it, your MC is now in Thought Land. Why is your MC in Thought Land if she's in the middle of an scene where she should be paying attention to what's happening and not to what could have happened? I skip most of the 'list', I want to keep reading where the story continued.

It's too early for me to care about lists your MC makes, further down, I probably wouldn't have minded.

My Creator. It could have been my Creator.

Interesting. But it seems...unnatural here, as a thought. And I don't know just how high up this list the "Creator" is.
I don't know but if I were paranoid about The Creator showing up at my door, I would've scrutinized the TMS people to be sure they were really TMS people and I wouldn't wonder about Halloween.
I know nothing of your story so I just said all that in hopes of being able to explain why it felt unnatural.

As soon as the TMS agents finished their introductions, Agent Twiford dropped the half-expected bombshell. "Aerlene Georys, we're going to have to ask you to come with us."

Half-expected? Um...so the MC have been half-expecting the TMS agents? Aw, but then this opening has not a drop of tension?

After I reread the 1st13, I felt like I wanted the 1st13 to tell me what was going on, what was and not what could've been.

[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited January 19, 2010).]
 

And you could think about tightening the prose. Instead of saying something like ~ "going through all the official business of ..." just say "identified himself" or "showed his badge". That might help a sense of forward motion.

If you want a reader send it on.
 

I agree that "half-expected" is sort of like not necessary. Similarly, why say the TMS "were fairly high up on the list of people I didn't want knocking on my front door, but they weren't at the top"? Like you might care, but not really. Also, how does your MC manage to think all the things in the opening 2 paragraphs while waiting for the TMS to finish their intros?

I also notice that in the earlier version, the MC is fuming and beligerant, but in the later version he seems bored. Was this an intentional change?
 

If you got an HM then your opening did the job. It caught KDW's attention enough to want to read the whole thing.

I remember reading Kindle when you placed in the WotF group. Good story but it needed more depth (it felt a bit rushed and had holes in it, if I remembering correctly).

May I suggest you write it to Novella size then look to see where you can trim it.

Hope this helps

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 21, 2010).]
 

It works better with no mention of the "Creator", too.