As the song ended, Xeris breathed in the fragrant ocean breeze and looked around at his fellow Songweavers. It was a night with no moon, but floating crystals of many shapes provided light in a spectrum of hues. Blue, green, gold and purple shimmered and glinted along their instruments. He caressed the strings of his harp, announcing the start of a new song and creating a shining cascade, like water made of light and melody, all around them.
The crowd, composed of the best and brightest citizens of the City of Atlantis, gasped in appreciation from the marble terraces all around them.
The song continued, melody and images both growing in strength and beauty, until an unmelodious scream of fear cut across the music.
Second version
It was a night with no moon, but floating crystal spindles, spheres and cubes provided light in a spectrum of hues. Blue, green, gold and purple shimmered and glinted along their instruments. As the song ended, Xeris breathed in the fragrant ocean breeze and looked around at his fellow Songweavers. He caressed the strings of his harp, announcing the start of a new song and creating a shining cascade, like water made of light and melody, all around them.
The crowd, composed of the best and brightest citizens of the City of Atlantis, applauded in appreciation from the marble terraces all around them.
The song continued, music and images both growing in strength and beauty, until an unmelodious scream cut across the music.
Third Version
It was a night with no moon, but floating crystal spindles, spheres and cubes provided light in a spectrum of hues. Blue, green, gold and purple shimmered and glinted along their instruments. As the song ended, Xeris breathed in the fragrant ocean breeze and looked around at his fellow Songweavers. He caressed the strings of his harp, creating a shining cascade like water made of light and melody all around them as many voices rose in harmony.
The crowd, composed of the best and brightest citizens of the City of Atlantis, applauded from the marble terraces all around them.
The song continued, music and images both growing in strength and beauty, until an unmelodious scream cut across the music.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited February 11, 2010).]
As for your goal, you establish setting pretty well. I liked the crystals and the use of color, although it'd be nice if we had an idea of what these people (I'm assuming they're people) are -- for a while, until I thought about what you said in another thread, I had weird seahorse creatures in my head, playing their music. I don't know that everyone would get the same image, but it is a touch ambiguous. Maybe that doesn't turn out to be a problem, but just using the word people in there somewhere would solve it, in my opinion. Not sure where it'd fit, mind you.
[This message has been edited by D2 (edited January 11, 2010).]
I didn't like the term "gasped in appreciation" because what they were gasping at felt hidden (probably something in the previous paragraph, but what?), while the rest of the sentence had an infodump feel. Having melody and unmelodious in the same sentence didn't work - it felt like a word repeat. Also, adding "of fear" after the scream seemed a little redundant.
On the theme, Music for Another World, I note that a key requirement is "stories that are intellectually exciting". This means that you need to have something to say about the theme, specifically about the role or nature of music. By your opening paragraph, you may have something in mind. However, if it is simply that music is part of a magic system, I am not sure that this would sufficiently exciting. This is largely because music, as a whole, and songweavers, bards, chants, songbirds and crystal voices have often been part of magic systems, in numerous books. It would require some real innovation, and some deep conceptual revelations to make such a system "intellectually exciting". What are your thoughts in mind?
quote:
On the theme, Music for Another World, I note that a key requirement is "stories that are intellectually exciting". This means that you need to have something to say about the theme, specifically about the role or nature of music.
Well, all he says is the stories must be intellectually exciting. What his particular notion of that is isn't really expanded upon, so its really just another one of those wonderfull totally subjective things editors stick into submission guidlines for us to worry over.
He also says music must be integral to the story...I sent him a story where I, at least, felt that was the case but he rejected it, saying he liked it and it was well written but not a fit for the collection.
So I'm not really worrying to much about it...this story is already more or less fully formed in my mind, so I will write it, and it will be what it will be. I appreciate everyones thoughts so far though, it seems I'm not to far off the mark here so far.
In answer to your question though, it isn't just "music is magic in Atlantis"...there is more "regular" magic as well, and both are simply Arts which stem from the spirit. Eventually the characters attempt to aqquire a lost, and very powerful song-spell...and well I dont want to detail the entire plot here, but I think it fits the themes of both anthologies pretty well.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited January 12, 2010).]
quote:
It was a night with no moon, but floating crystals of many shapes provided light in a spectrum of hues. As the song ended, Xeris breathed in the fragrant ocean breeze and looked around at his fellow Songweavers. Blue, green, gold and purple shimmered and glinted along their instruments...
As the song ended, Xeris breathed in the fragrant ocean breeze and looked around at his fellow Songweavers. It was a night with no moon, but floating crystals of many shapes provided light in a spectrum of hues.
The "of many shapes" bug me. Could you be more specific?
Blue, green, gold and purple shimmered and glinted along their instruments.
I don't think this is necessary. Maybe combine and simplify the last two sentences.
He caressed the strings of his harp, announcing the start of a new song and creating a shining cascade, like water made of light and melody, all around them.
I like this.
The crowd, composed of the best and brightest citizens of the City of Atlantis, gasped in appreciation from the marble terraces all around them.
I don't like the word gasped. Applauded would read less cheesy, in my opinion.
The song continued, melody and images both growing in strength and beauty, until an unmelodious scream of fear cut across the music.
Suggest changing the first melody to harmony, cadence, etc.... I really like unmelodious scream, ( ditch -of fear) it really shows Xeris's attitude.
Overall I really like it. Send it my way.
~Sheena
Some nice suggestions there, definitely. I will add you to the reader list when its complete.
My only nit, and it may not apply, is the word 'glinted'. From my experience playing brass instruments I am dying for that to say 'reflected' so it will better match the picture in my head and be what feels to me to be a more accurate description. But I don't know what the instruments are made of so that may not apply at all.
Also, would 'City' be capitalized? If I speak of the people in the city of Los Angeles it's not capped, is it? I'm not sure.
You'd better send this to me when you're done.
Is it possible to have a melodious scream?
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited January 12, 2010).]
You were on the reader list for this before I even started writing it.
quote:
Is it possible to have a melodious scream?
You'd be surprised.
Its beside the point in this case though, I think.
Nope. Doesn't work.
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited January 12, 2010).]
And there might be a way to have a melodious scream during certain adult activities.
I had to stop and read the first sentence three times, but then I sort of understand the point of it and I'm not sure what pulled me out. Maybe it's the 'but' - are the clauses at odds with one another? Maybe it's the light-objects-light structure of it (as opposed to light-light-objects, ie "It was a night with no moon, and light in a spectrum of hues glowed from floating crystal spindles, spheres and cubes.")
The next bugbear was with 'song'. Once again, I may have it wrong, but as a former muso I find 'song' to be fairly restricted to music that is sung; this opening refers to instruments but never to voice. I think it either needs voice added, or the term 'song' to be replaced. Of course, you can use the term 'song' on an instrumental piece, Mendelssohn did, but even then it was with a nod to voice, in his Songs Without Words.
I suspect 'in appreciation' is redundant. The conflict on the last line seems too sharp (it seems the song needs more building) but may be that way just for the 13 line version, so I'm not bothered by it.
I'd offer to read but I'm not sure how long this is - I'm trying to manage my current workload and don't want to overcommit.
quote:
The next bugbear was with 'song'. Once again, I may have it wrong, but as a former muso I find 'song' to be fairly restricted to music that is sung; this opening refers to instruments but never to voice. I think it either needs voice added, or the term 'song' to be replaced. Of course, you can use the term 'song' on an instrumental piece, Mendelssohn did, but even then it was with a nod to voice, in his Songs Without Words.
Hmm. Well I don't know about classical too much, but in popular music (rock etc) all compositions are generally called songs and most of them involve both voice and instruments.
What would you suggest replacing it? (I don't think im going to, because I think most people hear "song" and think "piece of music of any kind" but I'm curious.)
Already removed appreciation in the manuscript.
quote:
I'd offer to read but I'm not sure how long this is
I'm not either...its still a work in progress. I'll let you know (and update this thread with a wordcount) when its finished and we can see how things are then. Thanks for the offer.
quote:
but in popular music (rock etc) all compositions are generally called songs and most of them involve both voice and instruments
quote:
What would you suggest replacing it? (I don't think im going to, because I think most people hear "song" and think "piece of music of any kind" but I'm curious.)
Also, think of it this way...even though I don't specifically depict anyone singing, doesn't, that all being the case, the use of the word "song" thereby imply there is singing going on?
I just dont know if I have room, as it stands, to work in the mention of a voice and keep my "hook" at the end within the 1st 13 lines. And as you say, going into more specific musical terminology (assuming Atlanteans even use those terms) has its issues as well.
Perhaps a term like "dissonant" might read smoother than "unmelodious" if the intent is to show a clash of the scream with the other music. Something like "atonal" would convey a lack of musical quality that doesn't necessarily clash with the music being performed. "Scream" by itself is probably enough unless there's something special about the scream, since generally screams are not considered melodic (although they do exist in music).
[This message has been edited by dee_boncci (edited January 14, 2010).]
"Work" or "piece" or "opus" are probably the normal and more generic terms for what I think you are describing here.
I will start sending it out to those that offered to read.