Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Saints and Vampyres 13 lines

This is topic Saints and Vampyres 13 lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :

Anyone willing to read the whole thing let me know. It's sitting under 5K words right now, I think 4300 or thereabout. I am afraid I have been staring at it too much and my brain is foggy. I am trying to write a vampire who is trying to balance his nature and his Christian scruples. I think it's funny. Anyway, the fist thirteen:

Walpole Remington moaned into the crook of his arm. He had no pillow because he was hiding in a meat locker surrounded by hanging pig carcasses.
Hiding from the thing he had made.
“I can’t kill her.” he told the inside of his elbow. “Not again.”
Gidget was a nightmare. He had no nightmares anymore because their sort didn’t sleep, so he supposed he was due. They experienced ‘lengthy corporeal vacancies’ as Giles termed them; but it wasn’t sleep. There were no dreams. There were

Yeah, changing it to courier font did make a difference. I lost two lines!

[This message has been edited by SavantIdiot (edited January 09, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 09, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by SavantIdiot (edited January 10, 2010).]

Posted by DaveBowen (Member # 8786) on :

Hard to do anything fresh with vamps, but your angle seems new to me. The first seven or so are very strong. I'm intrigued thru Gidget, then a little lost at first during the info-dumplet (dumpling?) about the sleeping process. Good idea though, and again, seems original to me.

Very curious, and happy to give it a read.

Thanks,
Dave Bowen

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I like the start, it's very strong, but I agree with Dave - you then go into an info dump about what happens with vampires when they sleep that brings us to a grinding halt. The concept you're introducing is good, but might better be brought up further into the story. Perhaps if you chopped out some of it so we can get back to Gidget:

quote:
Walpole Remington moaned into the crook of his arm. He had no pillow because he was hiding in a meat locker surrounded by hanging pig carcasses.
Hiding from the thing he had made.
“I can’t kill her.” he told the inside of his elbow. “Not again.”
Gidget was a nightmare. He had no nightmares anymore because his sort didn’t sleep. He experienced ‘lengthy corporeal vacancies’ as Giles termed them; he vacated his flesh like the dead. He just … came back. To the horror story his life had become...

Happy to read if you want to send it.

BTW - I think the first 13 actually ends at "as uncomfortable about that as Walpole"

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Probably worth avoiding characters called Giles in vampire material for a while.

I got confused as to who/what was what/who. Who's Gidget? What does "their kind" refer to - Walpole, Gidget, Giles, all of them?

The take on vampires - the restriction of feeding to avoid dormancy - is an interesting one I haven't seen before (but then I've been avoiding vampire fiction for quite some time so what's new to me may not be to others), but I need more clarity here.

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

Send it on. I'll give it a read.

Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :

Gluttons for punishment, every one of you. I will send though, as I am, too.

I do dump information. I am trying to get over it. And my fixation on punctuation and complicated sentences.

What I learned during Nano was I can spew words. Now I need to learn how to cut, cut, cut. I LOVE original and that's what I aim for. I thought I had 3 original vampire takes but I'm told one of my elements has been done already. I don't read a lot of vampire stuff and I'm scared of the movies so I've missed stuff. My vampires are funny. I think. I am guessing Giles is a vampire so I'll change him.

Anyway, think of what you like, don't like, don't understand - and where I run on too long.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I like it. I agree that Giles is probably not a good idea. The vampire dormancy thing is a teensy bit like how it is in "Let the Right One In," but no mention of soul migration. The idea of the soul leaving (to where?) and returning is interesting.

Nothing in the opening gave me pause, and it has a strong, confident voice.

Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :

To those I sent a copy to; I apologize for all the c**p in the beginning. It is just directions for not losing italics/etc when I change the format for another purpose. And all my contact information, of course. whoops. If anyone sits on a fax and faxes me the results, I'll know where it came from.

Posted by SavantIdiot (Member # 8590) on :

I must be counting lines wrong. I put it in 'normal' margins and use type size 12. I just changed it to courier and it's a little different.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

SavantIdiot, use this template

quote:
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eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
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to see how text fits in your post text box, and then post accordingly.