Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Come to me, My Lover (SF-4000 words)

This is topic Come to me, My Lover (SF-4000 words) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

I am looking for readers for this one. It is very strange and it deals with sex,gender, etc... so be forewarned.

Melissa sat on the park bench waiting form me. She was giggling at Cruella tugging at the end of her leash, chasing pigeons. Her smile still warmed me. I loved her so. I would miss her.
I leaned over to kiss her before sitting down beside her. Cruella jumped up on my lap and licked my face.
“Good News or bad?” I put my hand on her (thigh/knee) and she crinkled her nose at my red nail polish.
“Good, of course.”
“Good news is, I got Dr. Endridge’s spot for the Matrius Corianthalus migration research.”
She stared blankly for a moment. “So the bad news is you will be gone for months documenting alien behavior…How Long?”

Revision

quote:
Melissa sat on the park bench waiting for me. She was giggling at Cruella.The puppy tugged at the end of its leash, growling at a flock of pigeons grazing on stale bread.Melissa's smile still warmed me. I would miss her.I leaned over to kiss her before sitting down. Cruella jumped up on my lap and licked my face.
“Good News or bad?” I put my hand on her knee and she crinkled her nose at my red nail polish.
“Good, of course,” she said.
“Good news is, I got Dr. Endridge’s spot for the Matrius Corianthalus migration research.”
She stared blankly for a moment. “So the bad news is you will be gone for months documenting alien behavior…How Long?”

Revision#2

quote:
Melissa sat on the park bench waiting for me. She was giggling at Cruella.The puppy tugged at the end of its leash, growling at a flock of pigeons grazing on stale bread.Melissa's smile still warmed me. I would miss her.I leaned over to kiss her before sitting down. Cruella jumped up on my lap and licked my face.
“Good News or bad?” I put my hand on Melissa's knee and she crinkled her nose at my red nail polish.
“Good, of course,” Melissa said.
“Good news is, I got Dr. Endridge’s spot for the Matrius Corianthalus migration research.”
Melissa stared blankly for a moment. “So the bad news is you will be gone for months documenting alien behavior…How Long?”she demanded

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited January 02, 2010).]

Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :

I take occasional sampling looks at these fragments and count how many open with a character depicted in some kind of static repose. Sitting is common, standing not as common, lying down less common. Roughly half or more of the opening sentences do that. Is it cliché? I see it often enough to consider it an overworn opening. I also see it as a form of Dischism, where a writer's surroundings and circumstances subconsciously influence a story. Writers mostly sit to write. Consequently, sitting openings occur most frequently. When I screen read, a static repose opening is a major strike against me reading on.

quote:
Melissa sat on the park bench waiting form [for] me. She was giggling at Cruella tugging at the end of her leash, chasing pigeons.

//Waiting for me, Melissa giggled from Miltown Square's sole park bench. Her toy Dalmation Cruella antically chased pigeons pecking at stale bread crumbs. Lunging on the end of her leash, Cruella snapped at birds she couldn't quite reach.//

[This message has been edited by extrinsic (edited January 01, 2010).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Cool. This must be that gender bender piece we talked about in our plotting workshop. What did you write this on the plane? Send it over. I can't wait to see how it turned out.

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

I agree with what extrinsic wrote, but there are other problems as well. You have a typo in the first line (form instead of for) and I think you have some pronoun/antecedent confusion. Melissa's a girl, I'm assuming Cruella is female, so who was smiling and who did the narrator love so? Cruella is the last named possible antecedent before the feminine pronouns and she is also the next female mentioned after the feminine pronouns, so I think it isn't unreasonable to think the narrator kissed the dog (I'm assuming the species). But maybe the protagonist didn't and kissed Melissa. If the protagonist kissed Melissa, what kind of kiss was it?

After reading Bent Tree, I wonder if you're trying to be ambiguous. If so, you've accomplished your goal admirably. I'm just not sure if that's a great goal to have.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

Hmmn, I am not sure that I agree that a character sitting should be a cliche to be avoided. As the average person spends between 7-9 hours a day sitting. The Main character is actually walking towards the secondary character whom happens to be sitting waiting for her where they had arranged a meeting.

I see the point about the anteceedant confusion. I will rework that.

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited January 01, 2010).]

Posted by D2 (Member # 8930) on :

I can't speak for extrinsic, but for me, it's less about sitting itself than about passive writing. extrinsic's suggestive re-write is an example of how you can take a passive action like sitting on a bench and write it in a way that's more active and exciting.

I'm not sure I like the She stared blankly, because it's immediately followed by Melissa putting two and two together. I'd have liked some transition there, even if it's arbitrary, because otherwise I picture her saying that with a blank, emotionless face. If that's what you're going for, though, kudos!

It's enough of a hook, though, that I'd keep reading. In fact, I will, if you send it along

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I agree with you, Phobos. I don't have a problem with sitting, since as you mention its something we do a lot of. I also don't have a problem with a lot of what people call "passive" writing especially early in a story. I dont have issues with a story starting at the begining--before things are actually happening--and presenting them going into motion and the like. It may not be "exciting" but it can still be very interesting on other levels.

quote:
After reading Bent Tree, I wonder if you're trying to be ambiguous. If so, you've accomplished your goal admirably. I'm just not sure if that's a great goal to have.

You really think its a negative to have ambiguity? Its pretty common in fiction, in many ways and on many levels...such as here, where as the OP stated, its a story involving ambiguities of sex and gender, which are very valid topics to address. If you look at the likes of Fantasy Magazine and Strange Horizons, half of what they publish is almost impenetrably ambigious.

Send me the story, Phobos, tho it may take me a little while to get to it.

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

I think ambiguity can be great (as in the Scarlet Letter), but pronoun/antecedent ambiguity is generally a sign of bad writing. If I was editing a publication and I saw just that first 13, I'd pass largely because of the pronoun/antecedent ambiguity. Now, the story may be really neat and that uber coolness may depend on the ambiguity so as an editor, I might be passing up on the greatest short story ever told. That happens, and that means this story could be a very hard sell.

I don't edit anything professionally. I just don't think I'd try to sell that piece just yet.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I thought you were refering to ambiguity about the characters gender...the ambiguity of whether some of it is talking about her and the dog is a typo/grammatical error thing. You speak of that as confusion then say :

quote:
After reading Bent Tree, I wonder if you're trying to be ambiguous. If so, you've accomplished your goal admirably. I'm just not sure if that's a great goal to have.

By which I figured you meant conceptually, as part of the story, not refering back to a possible technical error.

All that being said if your going to have characters with ambigious gender, a little grammatical oddity may be unavoidable anyway

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

I am not sure I understand what you were refering to by abiguity. I thought that it may be due to the fact that there are three female characters in this scene and the pronouns and antecedants left an unfamiliar residue of feminism.

It isn't that common to see two girls kissing especially trying to prtray that from the scarce information in the first thirteen lines. Otherwise this is very straight forward. Before the scene a Lesbian scientist(MC) calls her life partner and says meet her in the park because she has some news. The lover and theri puppy is waiting on them. The MC shows up and begins to tell her news. 1They were declined for their attempt at an adoption and The MC has been chosen to document the behavior of an enigmatic and protected and very limited in population.

I can really understand how it can be hard to pick up on the fact that the two kissing characters are both female just because our minds are not trained to do so especially given the limited amount of clues I am able to provide.

So did the revision do anything to clear up the issues that you had, baboohooer? I wrote it on a frenzy during a plane ride so as you can imagine there was much to be desired in the ways of grammar.

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited January 02, 2010).]

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

Your pronouns and antecedents are unclear. To partially fix this, you could make the puppy male. After that, you just need to be careful with your pronouns and their antecedents.

The first 13 is ambiguous because the only clue that this has a lesbian couple is the reference to nail polish. I've seen just about as many guys with nail polish as I've seen two women kiss each other. I'm not sure if you need to rectify this in the first 13, though. I would caution about using sexual orientation as a gimick or trick, but as far as I know, you've dealt with this honestly.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

quote:
Melissa sat on the park bench waiting for me. She was giggling at #1Cruella.The puppy#2 tugged at the end of its leash, growling at a flock of pigeons grazing on stale bread.Melissa's smile still warmed me. I would miss her#1.I leaned over to kiss #2her before sitting down. Cruella jumped up on my lap and licked my face.
“Good News or bad?” I put my hand on her*** knee and she*** crinkled her***Perhaps ***these***are still unclear? nose at my red nail polish.
“Good, of course,” she*** said.
“Good news is, I got Dr. Endridge’s spot for the Matrius Corianthalus migration research.”
She*** stared blankly for a moment. “So the bad news is you will be gone for months documenting alien behavior…How Long?”

I thought by dubbing Cruella, 'the puppy' and 'It' that I had eliminated the confusion. Should I replace at least a few of the ***"She's"*** with 'Melissa'?

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited January 02, 2010).]

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

The second revision is much clearer.

Posted by Dark Warrior (Member # 8822) on :

4000k? lol...if it is 4k or 4000 I can give it a read

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

quote:
4000k? lol...if it is 4k or 4000 I can give it a read

It is an epic saga.. I guess I'll just send you the the first book

Kidding, I think I was a little buzzed when I got off the plane. I wrote this on the flight and posted it at the airport. Somehere over Africa, I got a little tipsy.

quote:
The second revision is much clearer.

Thank you for not only pointing that out, but helping me remedy the problem. I really appreciate it.

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited January 04, 2010).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I Baduitz still around? We should have him take a look if possible. I think I have a market pegged for this as well.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

I'll go change 4000k to 4000 words.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

Thank you, Kathleen

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

In each version, I thought the girlfriend jumped into the lap and licked the face. Then I finally connected the name Cruella to the puppy. Could you say the puppy jumped into her lap? Does your character welcome this boisterous greeting or push the mutt away?

I like the happy meeting turned sour by the good/bad news, but I'm turned off my the gender thing. Personal preference.

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

I'll tell you what. The red nail polish isn't enough to bend the gender. Once I read about alien research, its in the future and the red nail polish could be worn by any gender. I read right over it.

What I thought distracting was the puppy/Cruella thing. The pigeons and the dog cluttered up the opening. I know it sets the park scene, but it helps obliterate the hook, for me.

The twist at the end is nice, but I wasn't engaged enough in the first 12. It says lover's spat and if this is meant to be speculative, I wouldn't last long reading this.