Hatrack River Writers Workshop: kOS'S TOMB FANTASY

This is topic kOS'S TOMB FANTASY in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by JAMESCROFOOT on :

This is the beginning to a series of stories. I think it may lack something. It's not long, so maybe you'd like to check it out, the whole story I mean.

Tasren stood outside the Blue Hound, the tavern he'd been sleeping and drinking in for the past week. He really hadn't been doing anything else. Now he didn't want to do either, for a while at least. He wiped both hands over his face and looked up at the sky. It would be raining, five days it was blue skies and sun, but not today.
His elfish features were given by his mother, his brown hair by his father.

[This message has been edited by JAMESCROFOOT (edited January 08, 2010).]
How about this beginning.

Tasren pulled his cloak tighter against the cold rain as he approached the job poastings board. His purse was a great deal lighter after the drinking he'd done for the past five days. That's all he'd been doing but the blood red memories still wouldn't leave his dreams. Maybe that's just the way it was.
He had just mustered out of the King's Rangers after two years of fighting in the south against Kasiens. The ranger's had given his sword, his green cloak and his green leather armor.

[This message has been edited by JAMESCROFOOT (edited January 08, 2010).]

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Just forwarning you, your gonna get hit hard on this. You're starting in a tavern, which some consider a "cliche" and you describe your MC's appearance in a way a lot of people consider a point of view shift and dislike.

Theres also not a whole lot happening. Personally, I'd maybe start with the rain. The fact that its raining and he's unhappy about it...perhaps because he has something to do, that will force him out into it?

[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited December 31, 2009).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I'm afraid this is not the beginning of a story. This is you, the writer, settling yourself in to what you are about to write.

Carry on writing the story. Then, when you know enough about the story to know where it actually starts, cut everything before that point.

And yes, every element of this sounds like something from an RPG at the moment.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

For the record, not everyone considers "like an RPG" an intrinsically bad thing. Fantasy RPGs and fantasy stories are....basically different versions of the same thing.

I personally say, focus on the rain. Maybe he even has some sort of special reason for disliking the rain. That'll get us going with some info on the character, then you can start to establish whats going on.

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

I agree with tchernabyelo that this isn't the beginning of a story.

Starting off with a weather report probably won't be much better.

Start closer to the first conflict.

Posted by JAMESCROFOOT on :

Thanks for the input. It is based on an RPG. I'll try again.