Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13 For Finished Short Story

This is topic First 13 For Finished Short Story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by DaveBowen (Member # 8786) on :

I'm in need of a reader or two for a finished SF short story. It's about 6000 words, and I can't quite decided whether/where to submit it first. The first 13 are below:

When George dreamed, he knew how to fly. When he woke up, the secret knowledge would slip away, lost in the fog of morning. For as long as he could remember, George had been tantalized by vivid dreams of flying. Not in a plane, or rocketing through the air. The flights he dreamt were more like floating. The lazy, aimless drifting of a balloon. Nowhere to go. No rush to get there. The dreams came to him sparsely, two or three times a year. Some years, not at all. They were quite consistent. First, a sense of letting go, of allowing, giving consent for gravity to release him. Then—moving his arms up and down—slowly, in a gentle undulating motion, like a swimming stroke, starting at the shoulders and easing down to the hips. Repeating the motion would lift him gently up into the air.

Thanks,
Dave Bowen

[This message has been edited by DaveBowen (edited December 29, 2009).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

The fisrt thought I had was "Another waking from a dream cliche" but perhaps it was due to the familiarity with the dream that I was quickly able to relate to the character. I would be willing to look this over, but I cannot gaurantee a fast return. Perhaps by the weekend?

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Same for me. Send it on, but it may take me a little while.

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

I'll give it a look. Send it through.

From your first three sentences I'd say you might need a comma-ectomy. Only the comma after 'slip away' seems truly necessary.

I'd also add, "'But' they were quite consistent."

There's no real hook in this thirteen except the promise that it's SF. I hope you get to the speculative element fairly quickly.

I agree that starting with a dream here is not a problem because the story seems to be about the dream itself.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

It might have been better to start inside the dream - it feels like the first few sentences are just delaying us getting into the dream.

I'd be happy to read it if you want to send it.

Posted by Dark Warrior (Member # 8822) on :

I can give it a look