The door tinkled as the kid came in. He was taller then me and more built. Supressed anger radiated from him as if he was used to getting his way and now was learning the hard facts of life. Probably a romantic problem, that seemed to be the only thing kids have now a days, the only problem kids seemed to worry about.
“Can I help you?” I asked. The kid glared at me as he walked back. Shrugging, I resumed my post. “I’ll be here if you need me.”
[This message has been edited by Spencer Thurgood (edited December 29, 2009).]
quote:
The bells of the door (tingled gentled? <-do you mean tinkled gently?) as the kid walked into my store.
quote:
The jacket and the way he put (on?) an air of confidence and anger ...
Also, you refer to the customer as a kid 3 times, but partway through call him a man, which is confusing. Could also use some paragraph breaks.
Might be interesting, but needs cleaning up first.
I would suggest either removing the – I had been working…walked in – or put that first in its own paragraph.
Look how it would go.
I have been working for close to thirty years in (name of store) and in that time I have developed a talent for guessing what people need as they walk in. When the bells on the door tinkled and this kid walked in, I thought, a romance problem. That seems to be the only problem kids have now a days, the only thing kids his age seemed to really worry about.
The kid stood a couple inches taller then myself and was built more then I had been at that age. The jacket and the way he put on an air of confidence and anger confirmed that he was used to having things done his way. Now he was facing some fact of life he didn't like.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited December 27, 2009).]
...thirty years in this store AND in that time...
...then [than] myself AND was built more then [than]...
...confidence AND anger confirmed that he was used to having things done his way AND now was facing...
That is three consecutive sentences using and. Not usually a good thing to do.
I have it wrong, too. Try this arrangement –
I have been working for close to thirty years in (name of store). In that time I developed a talent for guessing what people need as they walk in. When the bells on the door tinkled today, this kid walked in. He stood a couple inches taller than me and was built more solidly than I was at his age. I suspected from his quietly suppressed anger that he was used to having things done his way. Now he was facing some fact of life he didn't like.
A romance problem, I thought. That seems to be the only problem kids his age really worried about these days.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited December 29, 2009).]
I feel like information is being witheld from me here, the way you are telling us that the narrator has this "feeling" for what people want yet you don't tell us what store this is... withholding information is not hooking, on the contrary it tends to be annoying. As a result, I'm not hooked: all I know is that some kid, about whom I know nothing, has walked into a store, about which I know nothing, even though the guy behind the counter who's telling me this knows all about the store and tells me he knows all about everyone who walks in to the store, too...
For instance
quote:
I had been working for close to thirty years in this store
Would probably sound clearer as "I had been working in this store (or perhaps "place) nearly thirty years."
Likewise:
quote:
He stood a couple inches taller then myself and was built more then I had been at that age.
Something like, "he was a little taller than me, and solidly built" or something similar would probably be smoother.
quote:
The jacket and the way he put on an air of confidence and anger confirmed that he was used to having things done his way and now was facing the facts of life.
What about this gives the impression that he's "now facing the facts of life?"
I like where I think this is going, and I think theres a good voice in there somewhere but the order and structure of phrases and wording could use smoothing.
As far as wording goes, I am reading all your tips and would agree with most of it, I felt it was choppy but I couldn't figure out what exactly was choppy about it. I'll work on it tonight and revise in the morning.
[This message has been edited by Spencer Thurgood (edited December 29, 2009).]