Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Pay-Per-View soft sci fi 620 words

This is topic Pay-Per-View soft sci fi 620 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by TaoArtGuy (Member # 8857) on :

First 13 of another flash fiction piece. I'm concentrating on the short stuff for a bit to get back in the groove. I have the whole thing done for anyone interested in reading it.

Monday: I hated the vid-squatters. The ones on Third Ave were the worst - so obnoxious about trying to grab eye-time. I almost kept on walking to Fourth even though that would make me late for work - again. Then I thought, hey, it's my city, too. Besides, it's not like I'm some total rube who'd gawp at a screen long enough for the retinal scanners to lock on and start billing me.
I strode along the first two blocks like I was working a catwalk. Most of the squatters were flashing porn, as usual. That stuff might work on the teenage boys, but it was so much static to a visually sophisticated urban female professional such as moi. One creepier than usual guy was running vids of kittens playing in tall grass. I rolled my eyes at him as I walked by. As if I'd be caught staring at View-zak.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Interesting idea.

Posted by billawaboy (Member # 8182) on :

Wow, very strong opening. Really puts us into the MCs shoes and we get a strong sense of her attitude. And it has that 'A Clockwork Orange' future-slang thing going for it. It certainly punches up the narrative.

I'm still not sure exactly what's going on though. Are they watching it like one can watch tv from a store window?

I dont get a good visual of what viddies look like and how they work - or if it is just new slang describing tech we are familiar with.

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

I love it. You can send the whole thing to me, if you want.
~Sheena

Posted by ScardeyDog (Member # 8707) on :

I really like it too. Send it to me if you don't mind a bit of a wait before you get it back.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

Interesting ideas.

However I'm wondering what the actual story is - so far there's nothing to indicate this day is different from any other, and this is almost 25% of your total word-count.

I would read on, however, since it's such a short piece.

Posted by TaoArtGuy (Member # 8857) on :

Thanks for the feedback everyone!

I am working on the balance between her explaining more about the vid-squatters and not verging into info-dump territory. The first draft I did had her thinking a lot more about the process and it just seemed forced to me. I've possibly pushed it a bit too far the other way in this revision. Have to think on that a bit.

I emailed out a copy of the whole story to those who asked. I appreciate it!

- Mark

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I'll give this a go, if'n you still need some fresh eyes. I bet I can get it done before they start billin me!