Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Cutting out the Lion

This is topic Cutting out the Lion in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Jmsbrtms (Member # 8874) on :

There are men that use glory as a tool of advancement. It propels them to greater social heights as the less adventurous men use currency to move in society. For Nolan Lane, the 12th Baron of Io, he sees glory as only for keeping score. Nolan Lane plans on winning.

The space port of Gish Bar Mons buzzed with coming and going. Rumors spun around the port in greater numbers than the moons of Jupiter. One rumor that came to the ear of Nolan Lane was of a swordsman that wore the jacket of an Imperial Guardsman. The man asked for Lane in the space taverns around Gish Bar. He was reported to be a sober man that carried an Imperial dueling saber.

The second rumor was of a first rate ship-of-the-line hidden

I'm going to have to have science in the background of the story. Is making a statement like "the Greek camp asteroid field that trailed Jupiter's orbit" to confusing? Does it pull away form the atmosphere of the writing? I don't want to get into explaining Lagrangian points for a swashbuckling space opera.

[This message has been edited by Jmsbrtms (edited December 13, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 14, 2009).]

Posted by Teraen (Member # 8612) on :

I noticed you switched from present tense to past tense. That was a little awkward.

" For Nolan Lane, the 12th Baron of Io, he SEES glory as only for keeping score. Nolan Lane PLANS on winning."

"he space port of Gish Bar Mons buzzED with coming and going. Rumors SPUN..."

Then, you go into talking about the rumors, which came across as sort of flat to me. Try starting in media res. After your first paragraph introducing Lane, I don't want anymore rumors, I want to meet him. You can always pull the rumors back in if you like them. For instance, if he casts aside his uniform (this is where action starts, no? It stopped in midsentence so I am guessing here...) and walks into a bar, you can have people react to his dueling saber (he really has one! The rumors are true!) and start to wonder about whether the rest are true...

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

My first impression is that the first paragraph is a mess. I’m not sure how you use glory “for keeping score.” And how that meshes with his planning on winning eludes me. Maybe I’m just being dense.

I’d suggest dropping the whole first paragraph. It sounds sort of neat until I try to visualize what you mean.

Start with the spaceport and rumors. Much easier to visualize. Like –

The space port of Gish Bar Mons buzzed with more rumors than all the moons and moonlets of Jupiter. One rumor that came to the ear of Nolan Lane, the twelfth Baron of Io, was of a swordsman who wore the jacket of an Imperial Guardsman. The man had been asking for Lane in the space taverns around Gish Bar. He was reported to be a sober man and one who carried an Imperial dueling saber.

Now my question comes – how exactly is this paragraph above supposed to fit with the one that follows? It is not clear – yet.

That there was a second rumor Lane was interested in – that’s fine. But why, isn’t. And how does that fit with his interest in the saber guy?

There was a second rumor Lane took note of. A first rate ship-of-the-line had been glimpsed hidden in the (or just go ahead and say LaGrangian – most sf people these days know what that is) asteroid field that trailed Jupiter's orbit.

This is where I lose the connection -- This rumor was less direct, a friend of a friend rumor, that grew with the telling. Nolan set out to resolve the first rumor before the swordsman confronted Nolan at an inconvenient time.

You see? You mention this ship then have Lane set out after the saber guy without tying him and the ship rumor together somehow. Then we’re off into story realtime sort of, but actually a bit at sea as to what’s going on.

Just my opinion and a bit of messing with your details.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited December 14, 2009).]

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

actually "Greek camp asteroid field" I assumed meant some asteroid field claimed by some Greek government or something.

Posted by Jmsbrtms (Member # 8874) on :

I think I posted this too early. But I do appreciate the critical comments.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

I don't think you need to get into explaining Lagrangian points for science fiction readers. Surely, those who don't know what they are know how to look them up.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I know what Lagrange points are and consider myself reasonably comfortable at finding my way around the Solar System but I'd never heard of the "Greek camp" around Jupiter - had to look it up.