), you downtalking to us with the estimation of the dead (which has no value other than an interesting if abhorred sideshow). It's like reading about someone watching something mindless on telelvision.Atempt Number 1:
A tall, bright-eyed young man with a handsome face ran his hand through his short brown hair. Looking out of the portside window of the Truth of Fate, his personal ship, he could see the planet below, Tellyria, which was typically green with lush forests. Today though, it was scarred with the stains of battle. Even from here, he could see fresh explosions blooming on the surface, clawing their way into the atmosphere. Hundreds of thousands would certainly die from each incident, and they were as frequent as they were deadly. Blasts swept across the world like a wall of fire, leaving nothing but blackened earth. The damage was so great that no life could survive there for untold years.
Such mindless acts of warfare disgusted him to no end, and
Atempt Number 2:
A tall, regal looking man with a soft face ran his hand through his short brown hair. He was rather handsome, but most of it was due to his bright, captivating eyes. Looking out of the portside window of the Truth of Fate, his personal ship, he could see the planet below, Tellyria, which was typically green with lush forests. Today though, it was scarred with the stains of battle. Even from here, he could see fresh explosions blooming on the surface, clawing their way into the atmosphere. Hundreds of thousands would certainly die from each incident, and they were as frequent as they were deadly. Blasts swept across the world like a wall of fire, leaving nothing but blackened earth. The damage was so great that no life could survive there for untold years.
Attempt 3:
Sam clenched his jaw tightly as he looked out of the portside window of the Truth of Fate, his personal ship, orbiting the planet below. Tellyria, once a verdant paradise, was now utterly ruined, marred with the stains of battle. Even from here, he could see fresh explosions blooming on the surface, clawing their way into the atmosphere. Blasts swept across the world like a wall of fire, leaving nothing but blackened earth. As if to reach out to his dying soldiers, he placed a hand on the glass and closed his eyes. Letting out a long held breath, he wished he could be down there fighting with them. Perhaps, he hoped, that if he had fought today his men would still be alive. The planet would still be alive. His advisors had been right though, Sam was too important to risk. Going down
[This message has been edited by Omega (edited December 09, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Omega (edited December 09, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 11, 2009).]
As far as the rest of it, I can only claim that it was because I was limited to 10 pages before and I thought the character and story development were more important than a very detailed description. It is a good idea to change that though, I just hadn't done anything before I posted it. On another note though, I don't like to describe TOO much because I'd much rather leave it more up to the reader. Who is to say what handsome IS, after all. It's a subjective thing so I leave a slightly subjective description.
Is there anything specifically besides the description that you can tell me sounds impersonal?
Thanks for the help, as well
Appealing to the reader is always a good idea, we have to IMAGINE him after all. If you work your descriptions well enough you can make an impression on the people.
EDIT:In the mean time, is there anything else to be improved upon? Alright, the change is up. Hopefully that works a little better and does convey more of what I wanted come to think of it.
[This message has been edited by Omega (edited December 07, 2009).]
Your first line is not a hook. Some guy running his hand through his hair is a script for a shampoo commercial. Aside from a possible physical attraction, have you ever been excited or really interested about someone looking out a window and running his/her hand through his/her hair?
Give the reader the guy's name so we can begin to actually connect. You've told us about his hair, and that he is regal-looking (which still means nothing to me) but you haven't given any info about his profession, his purpose, his reason for being.
I think your protagonist is too far away from anything happening. There's a war going on and this guy is just looking out the window. I think you should cut until the protagonist is actually involved in something. Get us closer to a motivating incident.
I don't know why the guy is there, what his name is, or what he wants. I know it's sci-fi, I know there is a battle, but I don't know nameless-Joe's side of the skirmish.
I'm not sure about some of your descriptions about the damage to the planet. Your viewpoint character is just too far removed. "Hundreds of thousands would certainly die from each incident" seems verbose. THe "would certainly" seems so wimpy and I'm not even sure why the line is there. What else would th explosions do but kill and if you can see them from space, they'd be big enough to kill a lot?
A friend of mine said he was in the habit of cutting his first paragraph/page on almost everything he writes. I'd guess that technique might work for you here. I'm guessing your next paragraph or so is where you get closer to the action, so I'd rather start there.
I'm sorry if this seems rough. There are sections I like (the blooming explosions for example) but the overall distance to the action seems to great.
quote:
A tall, [regal looking man<--[How so? What makes him "regal" looking? Does he have a rigid posture? Hold his head up high? Is he wearing tailored clothes? Is he clean-shaven and manicured?] with a [soft face<--Does this mean his face is flabby? Does he have a weak chin? Several "chins"? Is it fuzzy soft? Kissably soft--like shaven and unblemished?] ran his hand through his short brown hair. [He was rather handsome, but most of it was due to<--[IMHO replace with:H]is bright, [color] captivating eyes [were his most stunning feature]. Looking out of the portside window of the Truth of Fate, his personal ship, he could see the planet below, Tellyria[.] [Gone was the verdant landscape,<--instead of-->which was typically green with lush forests.] Today [though,--IMHO - cut.], it [bore the scars][was scarred with the stains<--Cut.] of battle. [Even from here, he could see<--Cut F]resh explosions bloom[ed] on the surface, clawing their way into the atmosphere. Hundreds of thousands [Of what?] would [certainly<--IMHO - cut.] die from each [incident, and they were as frequent as they were deadly. B<--[IMHO - cut] of blasts swept across the world like a wall of fire, leaving [only][nothing but<--IMHO - cut.] blackened earth. [The damage was so great that no life could survive there for untold years.<--redundant]
I'd put it in a point of view, trim it more, to look something like this (bold are areas I think that need filled in):
quote:
Biff held a stiff posture and upturned chin as he glanced out the Truth of Fate's larbard porthole at the remains of the once-verdant planet Tellyria. He took a breath of the stale, filtered air and held it for a moment. Multiple explosions bloomed over the blackened remnants which used to be the captial of Morgitue, on the northernmost continent, and it took everything he had to appear unmoved for his crew. The Mortiguans were the only peaceful country Biff had encountered, and his stomach turned from much more than the turbulence. Bile came up and he swallowed it back down. He had to think of something quick: The Truth of Fate needed urgent lifter repairs, or she'd never break through the stratisphere.
Of course, this isn't perfect. I don't know your premise. But if it's personal enough (the opposite of vague), we can wait to know what he looks like. If we see him--and his crew--in immidiate danger, the stakes matter and we're hooked. In your attempts, we see ample description of the planet (and we know your captain is handsome--thus I named him Biff ), you downtalking to us with the estimation of the dead (which has no value other than an interesting if abhorred sideshow). It's like reading about someone watching something mindless on telelvision.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 08, 2009).]
Looking out of the portside window of the Truth of Fate, Captain BOB (-->echoing the idea of putting the MC's name up front...) could see the planet below. Typically green with lush forests, today it was scarred with the stains of battle. Even from here (Where? in orbit? from a big telescope?), he could see fresh explosions blooming on the surface, clawing their way into the atmosphere. (Hundreds of thousands would certainly die from each incident, and they were as frequent as they were deadly. --> This sentence is too telly not showy. Your end sentences are better, and if you leave this sentence in then THEY become redundant...) Blasts swept across the world (Didn't you just say they burned up the atmosphere? You are mixing images here. I lost the picture of what you are trying to describe.) (The damage was so great that no life could survive there for untold years. --> This is also a telly not showy.) Up to here, you have described what you MC sees. Now, how does he react? This will give us a key insight into his character and help set the tone for whatever follows. This last part of your paragraph has the potential to color your whole story, and in doing so is your best bet to hook the reader. Consider these (rather hastily composed) examples. How do they impact what you just described?
Blasts swept across the world. "Damn." he thought. "I just bought a new timeshare on that coast."
vs
Blasts swept across the world. Grinning with satisfaction, Captain BOB flipped open the cover above the big red button. After all, though the entire civilization was probably wiped out, there may still be some bacteria alive down there.
He pushed it.
vs
Blasts swept across the world.
"What now?" he asked another refugee. "Did they see us escape?"
etc...
[This message has been edited by Teraen (edited December 08, 2009).]
Its fun. And only a few people have required therapy after.
You see, I in my first version, I did start off with the characters name. My friend said that I might have jumped the gun and should leave a little mystery. I was skeptical but gave it a shot and thought it worked just fine for me. Clearly, my skepticism was well founded and I will go back to putting his name there. Glad to no I should follow my instincts.
As far as the rest of it, more good points clearly. I think, I've come to realize, that I have a problem describing someone's face. I mean, I want him to be a handsome man, but I don't exactly know how I can get that across in a concise manner. Of course now there is no real limit so I can go as gung-ho with descriptions as I want, so I can worry about that later.
I see your points about the stakes of why he's there and everything. I like your two takes on it though. I'll try and whip up another version and see if that works any better.
Also, if anyone is by chance interested in reading the whole thing (it's only 10 pages right now), that'd be great. If I can get this much feed back on 13 lines I might be able to hold my own in the competition if the whole thing gets a look over
EDIT: Alright, so I took out most of his physical description because that really is not first paragraph material. I tried to show how he felt about what was happening and allude to his purpose and his side on the fight.
[This message has been edited by Omega (edited December 09, 2009).]
quote:
Sam clenched his jaw tightly[not needed; "clenched" indicates tightness] as he looked out of the portside window of the Truth of Fate, his personal ship, orbiting the planet below[how about "at the planet below"?]. Tellyria, once a verdant paradise, was now utterly ruined, marred with the stains of battle. Even from here, he could see fresh explosions blooming on the surface, clawing their way into the atmosphere[I like this line]. Blasts swept across the world like a wall of fire, leaving nothing but blackened earth. As if to reach out to his dying soldiers, he placed a hand on the glass and closed his eyes.[And now I'm interested in the MC]
Good job. I'd like to read more.
Does he have a fine aquiline nose? One that leads him into trouble and got broken a couple times in the past. That and a rather square jaw covered in a five o'clock shadow by noon. Is his smile a bit crooked on one side? Or, does any of this actually matter?
I realize this won't work for every story, and you may not even stick with it for all drafts of this story, but it will help you flex your writing muscles. You say you want him to be good looking? How could you do that without directly saying so? And does the story change at all if he is an ugly man? Or is it just your personal taste that he be good looking in your mind's eye?
Maybe you could imply it in the way others react with him, or what they say.
[This message has been edited by Teraen (edited December 09, 2009).]
The physical description generally does not hook me.
As far as his looks go, in THIS it isn't really all that important. Truth be told, this happens to be a sort of...side-story/prequel to my book series I am writing where it does play a bigger role. If anything, that's probably why I even bothered mentioning it, as he isn't so handsome, as he just has remarkable eyes and a charismatic way about him. I think I just needed to realize that this story is seperate from my books, and now I have. I'll still give enough of a description so that people can get some idea.
Oh, and I personally use the vague word handsome so that the reader can imagine him however they want. I've seen multiple famous and successful authors of mine do it and so it was something I had adopted. Or tried to
