Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Phoenix, From the Ashes- SF (WIP)

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Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Here is a WIP I need some feedback on. I am trying to come up with a new term for 'Superlative Collective' of course. It is the Collective of aliens as they trangress into a more highly evolved phase of their existance.

The beckoning was becoming more and more difficult to endure. With only two lunar cycles before metaphase commenced, failure to fulfill its life quest seemed inevitable.
Raging electric storms strobed against the darkness outside the dome above. The Agillian cast a stare at the artifact before him. The craft that had started it all. Pheonix29 was lettered on the side of its lusterless silver hull. Discovery of this craft and the understanding of the beings by which it was created, had become its life quest—its knowledge of these beings would become his contribution to the Superlative Collective upon Metaphase.
But its understanding wasn’t complete. Phoenix, to its creators was a vessel in which the salvation of its species could be made possible.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

While this was an unfamiliar concept, I was really impressed with this. The hardest thing to get over is the pronouns. The Agilian (It) meaning an unsexed alien. As this is in the POV of 'It' I suppose it was a little more dificult to follow, especially with the terms' Metaphase' and 'Collective' but I took my time and it made enough sense to perk my curiosity. I would definately read on. Although there was a pronoun error on your part:

quote:
these beings would become his

I think you mean 'it'

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited December 07, 2009).]

Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

The premise is intriguing.

Maybe a bit of description on the Agilian would be good, since it is the POV character (as I see it) and I'd like to envision it.

I'd read on.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Naughty, naughty – at the artifact before him -- you told us pov is male right here. If it’s a mistake, better fix that. And a nit – in English you don’t really CAST a stare. You can cast a glance, but not a stare.

That first paragraph – if the pov is going to have a name, you should give it to us – Kikon’s life quest or whatever. Otherwise, I guess, it’ll have to be – the Agillian’s life quest.

Actually, at this point that entire first paragraph is too vague. I’d drop it and go with the storms. But be clearer.

An electric storm raged outside the dome. Brilliant flashes of lightning strobed the darkness washing out the normal lighting. Each flash threw into stark relief the side of the broken hull and obliterated what remained of the ancient, alien lettering.

Drop the discovery – the craft has already been discovered. His life goal must be to discover its secrets.

Now I’m down to the big hiccup. The Superlative Collective upon Metaphase. At this point – as you have it phrased, it is meaningless. No big wow at all.

If this IS alien and not from their own past and they have kept their language unchanged for millennia (Which I find very hard to believe), how do they KNOW the word means Phoenix?

Was this a multigeneration ship? Doubt that unless it’s a piece of one. The salvation of its species – hmmm…how does the pov and his colleagues know that?

But its understanding wasn’t complete. Phoenix, to its creators was a vessel in which the salvation of its species could be made possible.

This just does not work for me. Understanding wasn’t complete! Either pov knows a bunch about the ship to know its purpose or he doesn’t know much at all. Where is it incomplete? They know the purpose somehow and not what? The drive mechanism? What? This is just my opinion but you don’t have the order of information you give us make sense – yet.

And, give hint. Why is this important? Are pov's people facing extinction?

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Yeah I had a few pronoun errors.

The Alien had been studying the craft which was a last ditch effort of humans. Inside it were compilations of Earths history Gene banks, etc. The Alien had been studying it for what be hundreds of years, but to him...(See) I mean 'it' the research is uncomplete because he wants to reproduce humans so he can fully understand them.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

Hmmm...
I have a feeling that this will turn into an intersting story, but the start is fraught with confusion. I would probably stop reading out of frustration.

quote:
The beckoning was becoming more and more difficult to endure. With only two lunar cycles (whose moon?) before metaphase (what is that?) commenced, failure to fulfill its (who/what's?) life quest seemed inevitable.
Raging electric storms strobed against the darkness outside the dome (where is this dome? on planet of ship?) above. The Agillian cast a stare (?) at the artifact before (you said it was above) him. The craft that had started it all. Pheonix29 was lettered on the side of its lusterless silver hull. Discovery of this craft and the understanding of the beings (do you mean that the creators had some understanding, or did the Agillians understand the creators, or or does the collective understand?) by which it was created, had become its (whose? whats?) life quest—its knowledge of these beings would become his contribution to the Superlative Collective upon Metaphase (that word Metaphase? again).
But its understanding (whose? whats? of what?) wasn’t complete. Phoenix, to its creators was a vessel in which the salvation of its species (salvation of the creator or the Agillians, or multiple species?) could be made possible.

Superlative Collective... Galactic Interspecial Cloud? Evolutionary Progressive?