Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Mind-Jacked SF (3700wd)

This is topic Mind-Jacked SF (3700wd) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Sent to the chopping block!

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited November 30, 2009).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

I won't comment on the prose as I think you have a bigger problem.

Your protog sounds kind of dumb. '...for some damned reason.'?

If there is a risk of 'Jelipine' attack then he'd better have a good reason to go out--a really good reason. Turkey City lexicon warns regarding having a protaganist doing something stupid just to suit the plot. Presumably if he doesn't go for the cigar the story won't happen.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

I agree with skadder but then the whole background here doesn’t make sense to me – my opinion.

You say -- instead of pulling down the black outs and turning in

Huh? I would normally presume that black outs meant coverings to prevent light from leaking out. So, night would be when activity was less. You even begin with saying that NY used to be active all night.

But he doesn’t pull them down but he does look out the window? So, what are these black outs?
Do people not go out at all day or night? Can’t picture that.
Why didn’t he go out at night to the store?

Worst of all, if no one goes out during the day, why would he think the shop was open???

See my confusion?

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 30, 2009).]