Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Greenhorn

This is topic Greenhorn - sci-fi short in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by g33ky monk3y (Member # 8896) on :

Another short story from my blog. I can send a link to the complete story or email it if you want. It's pretty short, only 1,240 words. It's about the new member of a small group of space privateers. They usually have to fight for salvage rights. I put the first 14 lines since it was the end of the paragraph.

The bits and pieces of scrap metal, cobbled together from outdated tug ships, groaned from the stress of reentry. The seals held though. Obsolete dampeners kicked on, shielding the small crew of the Kon-Tiki from the blistering heat outside. The stale air got warmer, which meant the credits from this next run were going straight to a new ferro drive for the ailing dampeners.

Gravin exhaled suddenly, not realizing he had been holding his breath when the ship hit atmo. Being the newest, and youngest, member of the team showed from the moment he set foot on the rust bucket of a ship. The huge man strapped into the seat next to him clicked the visor open on his own helmet, releasing a hiss of fresh air from the vents on his AEGIS.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

You do realise that something published on your blog will be considered published by an editor.

Posted by jayazman (Member # 2818) on :

I liked it. I would definitely read on. The only problem I have is with the sentence "Being the newest, and youngest, member of the team showed from the moment he set foot on the rust bucket of a ship." You start an idea there, and then abandon it, at least from what I could see. I would advise either taking it out there and putting it in somewhere where he is showing himself being the newest and youngest member, or show something else here that makes us see he is new and young without having to state it. If you go on to show other ways Gravin shows himself to be the newest and youngest member then ignore that comment.

The story seems to be from Gravin's pov, and bringing up the fact that he is the newest and youngest member makes me wonder, how would he know that the credits from this run would be going straight to a new ferro drive? Stuff like this could be common knowledge for anyone over 5 in your world, but there is nothing to indicate that here, so it did make me wonder who was "knowing' this, and if it was Gravin, how did he know?

That little hickup is not enough to have kept me from reading on though.

Posted by g33ky monk3y (Member # 8896) on :

Thanks. It didn't sound right after "the newest and youngest" was pointed out to me. Reworked it slightly:

The bits and pieces of scrap metal, cobbled together from outdated tug ships, groaned from the stress of reentry. The seals held though. Obsolete dampeners kicked on, shielding the small crew of the Kon-Tiki from the blistering heat outside. The stale air got warmer, indicating that the ferro drive would need to be replaced on the ailing dampeners.

Gravin exhaled suddenly, not realizing he had been holding his breath since the ship had hit atmo. The huge man strapped into the seat next to him clicked the visor open on his own helmet, releasing a hiss of fresh air from the vents on his AEGIS.

Posted by ScardeyDog (Member # 8707) on :

Overall I like the second version better. I still don't like this sentence:

quote:
The stale air got warmer, indicating that the ferro drive would need to be replaced on the ailing dampeners.

The way you phrased it earlier seemed like a human perspective. This seems very dry and clinical. If we are in Gavin's POV it should be coloured by his attitude, like in version 1. If Gavin doesn't know what the ferro drive you should cut it completely.

The whole opening paragraph is very cinematic. Is there a way to move Gavin and his reaction to the landing sooner?