After many days of wary and tiresome traveling, the ruined tower lay just ahead, a rumored treasure trove of lost and forgotten magical secrets. Rain pelted the two ragged voyagers, soaking them to the bone. The two metal shields of the smaller elf weighed him down, made it harder to walk. His limbs ached. Like a tortoise shell the metal banded wooden shields covered his small frame, more than once his makeshift shell had proven its worth. He turned and looked up at his brother.
“I see a tent below, next to the tower,” the taller brother said. He turned and tried to shield himself from the rain with his saturated cloak. “Shall we investigate?”
“Perhaps they have a fire,” the smaller, younger brother said hopefully. His thin spectacles were dripping with water; he
New version:
After many days of wary and tiresome traveling, the ruined tower lay just ahead of the two ragged voyagers. It was a rumored treasure trove of lost and forgotten magical secrets. The excitement of just how close they were was enough to make the two elves splash through the heavy rain, which now soaked them to the bone.
The smaller of the two, Taryth, bore his twin shields. The metal banded wooden shields covered his small frame and weighed him down, made it harder to walk. His limbs ached. Fatigue was in the back of his mind however as he tried to scan the surrounding area of the tower.
“I see a tent below, next to the tower,” said Kortisar. He held his cloak over his head to cover himself from the rain. A vain
[This message has been edited by g33ky monk3y (edited December 08, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 11, 2009).]
I'm not into fantasy or I would offer finish it. I've critiqued some fantasy stories, here and elsewhere, but a 13,000 word fantasy story is way too long for a sci fi fan.
Your writing is fine. Clear and descriptive. Doesn't accomplish too little and doesn't try to accomplish too much.
I personally would like to have some names to attach to the characters. Surely the one character doesn't think of the other character as "the taller brother" or "the smaller, younger brother". I realize you are establishing their relationship and relative size, both of which I think are important, but still, give me some names. I think the last sentence of the first paragraph "He turned and looked up at his brother." is enough to convey their relationship and relative size at this point, all the relationship/size comments after this could be removed until they come out naturally in another part of the story.
The descriptions are good and well thought out. The whole scene just seems a little impersonal and distanced to me. I would read another page to see if it got better before putting it aside.
Thanks for the suggestions and advice. I’ll try to fix it.
Some specific comments here and more general comments below.
quote:
After many days of wary and tiresome traveling, the ruined tower lay just ahead, a rumored treasure trove of lost and forgotten magical secrets. { I would prefer this as two sentences* Rain pelted the two ragged voyagers, soaking them to the bone. The two metal shields of the smaller elf weighed him down, made it harder to walk. {I like this description, but it doesn't really flow from the last sentence* His limbs ached. Like a tortoise shell the metal banded wooden shields covered his small frame, more than once his makeshift shell had proven its worth. {should this be two sentences as well?* He turned and looked up at his brother.“I see a tent below, next to the tower,” the taller brother said. {Why does the little brother turn and look up before the older brother speaks? This seems out of order.* He turned and tried to shield himself from the rain with his saturated cloak. “Shall we investigate?”
“Perhaps they have a fire,” the smaller, younger brother said hopefully. His thin spectacles were dripping with water; he
Also, I prefer third person point of view and this seems to be omniscient. That's just my personal choice though.