Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Sky Lords of Jupiter (First 13)

This is topic The Sky Lords of Jupiter (First 13) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Jmsbrtms (Member # 8874) on :

I felt like writing pulp space opera. This is the first 13.

A stiletto hulled Venusian yacht bearing the royal pendant of Venus descended into the clear skies of the moon Europa. Jupiter dominated the moon's western horizon. The Great Red Spot looked down on the waters of Europa unblinking. The Yacht passed the terminator line into darkness as the moon’s orbit moved to the dark side of Jupiter. The red glow of reflected light slowly faded as Jupiter eclipsed the sun.
The yacht circled the moon's capital Sidon-Europa. She came down to land, guided by the array of city lights. She set down in the center of a well lit open tarmac east of the city. Four galleon hull frigates each bearing 46 guns lay docked at each compass point of the tarmac. The ship crews in formal uniform line the rails.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I liked this but something seems logistically flawed. Europa is tidally locked with Jupiter and therefore a day side would never see Jupiter. The Sun would always be way more than fully eclipsed by Jupiter which would also do more than dominate the western hemisphere. I believe it would encompass the entire visible hemisphere. Also Jupiter has an incredibly fast rotation and It seems the red eye wouldn't be unblinking, but that is niether here nor there because it is a metaphore and technically you would be correct it just didn't have a realistic feel to me.

Try searching the NASA archives to find some pioneer images. It will help you see what Jupiter looks like from near europa.

I am no astronomy expert and I may be wrong on one or more of my points. I only pointed them out because I know Hard SF is a very challenging endeavor because readers of that genre really typically know there stuff. Logic holes don't ever seem to get by.

Otherwise I liked the prose and premise here. I thought the writing was great and I would turn the page. Just double check to make sure you got all your facts correct.

Posted by Jmsbrtms (Member # 8874) on :

I've been having fits with this because I wanted to get some details spot on and some just ignore. Europa is tidal locked. But the terrafoming light reflectors near the sun would make the surface like the earth. Except it's tidal locked.

Noon would have full light on the Sun side. The Jupiter side would have half light reflected by the giant. You would have an expanding and contracting band of darkness as the moon comes around the sun that would fade into a half dark at noon with darker twilight on the edges just before full light. Or a sunset sunrise band of conflicting light. When the moon goes behind Jupiter it would be complete dark.

I'm not explaining it well enough, and considering the Sky Lords live in the lay of Jupiter's atmosphere that's breathable, the Europian day-night cycle is really minor.

I do appreciate the input and it is a detail I want to get right because it makes this moon feel interesting.

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

My problem is that for all of the description, there is no sense of what the story may be. You've got some frigates with guns and crews in dress uniform. But there is nothing to grab me and make me wonder what's going to happen. Right now it sounds like a ceremony. Unless it's an exceptional ceremony, that doesn't strike me as terribly interesting.

But I truly can't tell where you're taking this. Is there maybe a better place to start?

Also, this line, "The ship crews in formal uniform line the rails." drops into present tense. Maybe you meant 'lined'. And consider 'dress' uniform instead of formal.

Just my thoughts.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Given some time to reflect, I think the sense of detachment might be due to the fact that we have not yet been introduced, in a tangible way, to a solid character. That is not to say that this is one hundred percent necessary in every case, but I would say that it is a good rule of thumb to anchor the POV of the Protagonist within the first page of a manuscript. I can say that most publications are seeking character driven stories and it is my personal preference to get to know the MC right off the bat.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

It is my understanding that a short story begins with an inciting moment--a precise point in time when the Main Character becomes somehow involve in the plot which propels the story and therefore I feel that the story should almost always begin with the Main Character, and certainly it should be there viewpoint through which we see the story begin and progress.

I have some astronomy background and there did seem to be a few minor impurities as far as logistic are concerned but nothing glaring and I do not know enough about the 'Hard SF' market to be able to advise on whether or not those minor infractions warrant concern. I did like your style and premise. I felt your prose was strong.

I hope this helps in some way. I could review your entire story if you would like. Just shoot me an email.

-Finnias

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited November 27, 2009).]

Posted by Jmsbrtms (Member # 8874) on :

Thank you

I have to get the MC must be in the first 13 lines for this story. He comes in much to late as it's written. I can add two more paragraphs to solve that problem. That can also establish the reasons for the ceremony at the end of paragraph two.