No one refused her offer. Absolutely nobody. Hell, how could they? It was the most magnificent, wonderful gesture the Chief Executioner could offer. Your choice to spend one night with the most beautiful woman ever and then be executed in the morning, or refuse the offer and spend the rest of your life in a dark prison cell with barley enough food to keep you alive. I was offered such a deal. But I refused. I absolutely, flatly refused and decided to spend my life in my jail cell. They couldn't believe it at first. Things like that just wern't done. But I fully meant what I said. They tried many ways to get me to change my mind. They even brought in the beautiful woman I was supposed to take to bed in my night of glory. It didn't work. They even took me to the room that I ________________________________________________________________
Any suggestions? I am doing this as a piece of flash fiction.
Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :
There were a few typo's and the prose seemed a bit stuffy, but I think I liked it. I would turn the page. I do however feel that it could be enlivened. I wanted to feel the characters personality a little more especially since this is written in the first person. If you have it ready I would be glad to read the whole thing and offer my opinion.
Oh yeah, writing this in the first person and the character is facing his execution on the morrow, I feel that there will either be an escape, pardon, or POV violation. Either way I am preparing for a let down is some way. Even if he escapse and lives I would feel cheated because the execution then becomes irrelevant.
[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited November 22, 2009).]
Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :
I think it has a good voice. I would keep reading but I would want to know soon why he refused, or more specifically why he is different. I don't know that I would buy everyone wanting to sleep with a beatiful woman and then die versus life in prison, interesting idea though.
Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :
Oh, I took it as though he was going to be executed regardless of his decision, but based on the last comment and then re-reading I see that life in prison didn't mean a few hours. I don't think that was clear enough.
Posted by adamatom (Member # 8840) on :
The opening sentence got my attention.
You've got sharp contrasts, contrasting perspective and contrasting behavior. So you've made it clear this guy is different and you've made it clear these other guys are baffled.
Do they try to talk him into it and show him the room because they are curious or because they don't want to disappoint the Chief Executioner?
I'd read on to see who, what, why, and how.
I'm not clear, however, if the Chief Executioner and the beautiful woman are the same person, though that seems to be the case. You might say, "spend the night with the most beautiful woman ever, then be executed the next morning by the same woman."
Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :
Got my attention because it's different. If you would like me to read the full story, I can. I would leave comments as I read it.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
The objectification of women (and men - the implication that a man would have to be some kind of out-of-his-mind weirdo/freak to refuse the offer of sex even if it meant death) in this made me uncomfortable. However given that the MC is refusing the offer I would probably read on to find out why and what society we were dealing with.
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
I could see one of three things coming out of this: 1) a terrific spin on the prisoner/jailer dynamic; 2) a story with a weak message or moralization, or; 3) an action-adventure type tale where the prisoner wreaks some kind of retribution on the Chief Executioner. Wanting to know which is which would buy you a full read from me, especially as this is flash. I'm intrigued.
A couple notes:
1. "...the most beautiful woman ever..." Really, she's the most beautiful ever to exist?Better than Betty Page, Marilyn Monroe, and Helen of Troy? Sorry, not trying to be snide, or maybe you actually did mean the most beautiful woman ever and the CE has some kind of mind-reading device that can determine what kind of woman would actually be the most beautiful ever for a specific person. Lacking that, though, this feels more like amateur/juvenile wording, which is easily fixed.
2. In the second paragraph, you have two lines that start with they even. We get it, they're trying to convince him. Save yourself the word count and lose these tags. Also a couple lines that start with but. Once, it works to focus attention on the rapid delivery of your narrator. Twice looks overused. The lines work just as well (in my opinion better, actually) without the but's.
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
I'm having trouble believing that no one else has refused the offer. I imagine there's a 50-50 split on people choosing life in prison over death, so the notion of the MC being exceptional for this seems odd. I would drop the mention of the refusal being unique and get right to the situation he's in.
It could also be tighter - there's some repetition that just takes up space. ("Absolutely nobody.", "But I refused.")
Posted by TLH (Member # 8897) on :
Hi, just had a quick read of your opening liners, and a few of the comments that have already been posted.
My gut reaction is that it does grab me, and I would read on. Yeah you've got a few typo's in there, but nothing major. I agree with a previous comment about him being the only person to refuse the sex. I think it could build something up for later on if you mentioned that maybe he wasn't the only one - only a few prisoners had had the sauce to refuse before. He may have some interaction with those who now spend the rest of their days in confinement in cells next to him. Of course, that may not be where you're going at all!
That's my two-penneth anyway. I liked it and would like to read more. Going on what's there, it'd be interesting to see where you're going to take it.
Regards,
Tony.
[This message has been edited by TLH (edited November 29, 2009).]
Posted by jamescrofoot on :
Very interesting 13 lines. It got me very interested. It makes me wonder if I would take the deal.