Walk in as though it were an ordinary travel bureau, the stranger I'd met at a bar had told me. Ask a few ordinary questions—about a trip you're planning, a vacation, anything like that. Then hint about the folder a little, but whatever you do, don't mention it directly; wait till he brings it up himself. And if he doesn't, you might as well forget it. If you can. Because you'll never see it; you're not the type, that's all. And if you ask about it, he'll just look at you as though he doesn't know what you're talking about.
I rehearsed it all in my mind, over and over, but what seems possible at night over a beer isn't easy to believe on a raw, rainy day, and I felt like a fool, searching the store fronts for the street number I'd memorized. It was noon hour, West
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 21, 2009).]
Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :
I liked it. The first couple of sentences almost put me off and were a little disorienting. I think it would work better putting the directions after a sentence or two, but other than that I thought it was interesting and would keep reading.
Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :
This is a good hook.
I would recommend flipping around the first sentence.
"noon hour" is the same as "noon," so no need to be wordy.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
Very good except that first line is confusing
Too many things in the clause
Perhaps shorten it - we aren't going to see the the stranger again, right?
Walk in as though it were an ordinary travel bureau, the stranger at the bar told me.
or make it two sentences
Walk in as though it were an ordinary travel bureau. That's what the stranger at the bar told me after our fourth beer together.
They're drunk or what? It might help to give a hint why the stranger's passing on this marvelous secret.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 22, 2009).]
Posted by adamatom (Member # 8840) on :
Yes, I see. Two men at a bar. One is drunk and reveals something he wouldn't if he were sober. The other wonders about the story, since it came from a drunk stranger. He feels like a fool for investigating, but because he's so unsatisfied with his life, he's willing to take the risk. "My life is going nowhere, so I'm willing to try this." Sounds like a another cliche.
Posted by adamatom (Member # 8840) on :
"It's no ordinary travel agency," the stranger at the bar told me, "but you better act like it is. At least at first." He had a little too much to drink, so I was skeptical. I felt like a fool for going to the address he gave me. But I was so unsatisfied with my life, I was willing to take the risk. "Ask the usual travel questions," he advised me. "then hint about The Folder. Emphasize how unhappy you are. See if he takes the bait." Emphasize how unhappy I was. That would be the easy part.
[This message has been edited by adamatom (edited November 22, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by adamatom (edited November 22, 2009).]
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
It isn't as cliched as the waking up. For some reason waking up hits a nerve on lots of people.
Actually - my opinion - you had it better in the original version except for the first sentence.
Posted by Lionhunter (Member # 8766) on :
I prefer the 1st version,although the beginning is a tad confusing. Nevertheless, i'd read on.