Looking for comments on a reworking of a very old story of mine.
quote:Cirole the Terrible probed with an index claw to dislodge the human femur stuck between a pair of canines. He popped the offending bone out and studied it for a moment. Small holes were bored in its surface. The marrow within was pink and smelled of copper; tell tale signs of a wizard who overused magic. Cirole’s eyeridges quivered with amusement. Dandrol the Magnificent, Usurper of Evil, Savior of Ratheke. What a dope. Wizards were like Dragonslayers, stubborn to the point of stupidity. They believed their talents protected them from harm. Dandrol’s elixir had as much chance against his scales as the best steel a blacksmith could craft into a sword. None. He ran his split tongue over the bone. The best thing about
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited November 09, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 10, 2009).]
Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :
I like it! Nice, light-hearted fare. A dragon enjoying a snack...well-done. My only niggle is the use of the word "canines". Sure, it works, but it just seemed inappropriate. Do dragons, reptillian beasts, have canines? I may be way off-base. I know we have canines. But dragons? I like this, however, and wouldn't quibble too much over it.
Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :
I'd drop the word 'index'. I had to think about it when I first read the sentence. It's a minor nit, but I don't think which claw he's using adds much to the scene.
I liked the description of a wizard's bone and mineral depletion.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Copper does not and cannot smell of anything. I'm tired, tired, tired of the whole "blood smelling/tasting of copper" cliche, and even though you shift it to bone marrow... copper still doesn't smell.
Honestly, between that a dragon MC, I stop right there. Sorry.
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
Let's see...
I like the dragon MC concept. I don't have a problem with referring to it as an "index claw", if you mean to imply that the dragon uses it for indexing. It gives me the impression that this dragon is more like a person than the usual beast they are presented as - he might even read (does he?). Hints a bit more at his nature.
The smelling of copper is ok - you are saying it indicates magic overuse, not that it is a normal smell for blood.
In the human mouth, canines refer to 4 specific teeth (the uppers are what you identify with vampires), which are separated by other teeth, so there couldn't be a bone jammed between them. You can say dragons are different, but none of the ones I've met had 2 canines side by side. This is the only nit I have.
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited November 10, 2009).]
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I think copper does smell... but it is a little cliched.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
There's native copper lying around here and there where I live. It doesn't smell of anything. Nor can I smell iron, steel, silver or gold. For good measure, I can't smell serpentine, or chrysocolla, or quartz, or azurite... rockhounding and mineralogy would be a LOT easier if these things had a smell!
There are probably some compounds of copper that have a smell, and maybe that's what leads to the smell that people often talk about as being "coppery". But what you are smelling is not copper itself.
Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :
Well, we can't smell copper. But how do we know what a dragon can smell?
For all I know, my dogs could smell copper. Their noses are something like a hundred times more sensitive than mine.
And I think heated metal would be more likely to smell than room temperature metal. Blood is warm. And if the wizard was BBQ'd before being devoured, the smell might be stronger.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
It isn't a matter of sensitivity, it's a matter of how the sense of smell actually works (basically stuff has to be a). airborne and then b). soluble... most elements and minerals are remarkably uncooperative in their basic form, though products of combustion may be an entirely different matter). I know I sound like a pedant harping on about this but it's just one of those things that is constantly talked about that isn't real. Clearly there must be some smell that someone once decided was "coppery" but, frankly, I've never even managed to smell blood at all, let alone determine what's "coppery" about it (and it doesn't taste coppery either... or salty, as some people seem to think. It's not got much of a taste at all, really, though it's not by any means unpleasant...).
Different people do have different senses of smell, as with taste, but there are still physical limits on what can and cannot be smelt/tasted.
Posted by TaoArtGuy (Member # 8857) on :
Hi, I like the less trodden path of taking the dragon's POV but a few of your details are moving me out of the story.
I hate to jump on the nit wagon but canines are mammalian teeth. They are one top and bottom on each side so you don't have two next to each other. So nothing can get stuck between them. Canine, for me, is also evocative of dogs, not reptiles.
You don't need that any way. Just as I would agree with Bored Crow about the index reference being extraneous. The fact that the bone is human seems the prime point to get across.
quote:Dandrol’s elixir had as much chance against his scales as the best steel a blacksmith could craft into a sword.
This one feels a bit awkward to read. Not sure that we need the whole "blacksmith could craft" modifier.
The idea is cool. Good idea for an opening scene. Plus, it seems like you could have some fun writing it.
Posted by Dark Warrior (Member # 8822) on :
Kind of late to the game on this one...but if you post a rewrite here i would like to read and comment on it. I've always been a fan of the intelligent dragon...not sure if that is from Smaug or my old AD&D days.
Posted by Architectus (Member # 8809) on :
I like the opening. I would be sure not to put dragon in the title of the story, though. Figuring out what kind of creature the POV character is will be part of the hook. It will make me want to keep reading to find out what he/she is.
Would the dragon think of itself as Cirole the Terrible? If this is sarcastic, how about: Cirole the Terrible, as the humans called him, probed . . .