Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13 lines from "The Device"

This is topic First 13 lines from "The Device" in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by 3442 (Member # 8876) on :

“You know,” I said leaning over the edge of the cliff, “there are going to be a few changes around here from now on.”
Hearing no response I continued my gaze over the majestic sea that spread out before me. The smell of salt in the air and the wind on my face was so refreshing that I almost forgot the reason why I was up here in the first place. I snapped myself back into reality and stepped back from the ledge of the cliff and turned around, and found myself looking into the pathetic face of Pierre.
“Yes,” I repeated, slowly moving towards him, “things are going to be quit different from now on.”
Panic began to register in Pierre’s eyes as began to grasp the gravity of his past actions. He reached into his pocket and....
______________________________________________________________

Please give me any suggestions, feedback. And if you just plain don't like it, then tell me. I need the honest opinions of everyone.

Thank you

Posted by Teraen (Member # 8612) on :

Actually, this is pretty good. Opening dialogue is really hard to pull off, because you have to back out of the dialogue immediately to establish context. But I think it works in this. Usually, the author tries to use snappy dialogue AS the hook, but in your case, the hook comes from the line:

... I said leaning over the edge of the cliff,

This is great. I want to know what he is doing up there, and because of that, I want to know what changes he is talking about.

Your next paragraph though is a little jarring. I expected him to be scared (he's on the edge of a cliff!) So when I read "majestic sea", and the refreshing salt encrusted wind etc... And how in the world would he forget the reason he was on a cliff? It seems out of place, UNTIL I read that he has Pierre up there, and that Pierre is at his mercy. Now I think I don't like the guy, he strikes me as a criminal. Makes me want to see what happens next...

One last thing, I "pathetic face" seems to rely too heavily on the adjective. What about his face was pathetic? Was he crying?

You got anymore written? You can send it to me. I'd like to see how this turns out...

quoiquecesoitAThotmail.com

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I really really like this one. I don't have any gripes about it and I would definately turn the page.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Not sure...snapper?

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

My opinion differs from my two colleagues...

quote:
“You know,” I said leaning over the edge of the cliff, “there are going to be a few changes around here from now on.”

Who what and why? My first instinct is you are starting with the wrong sentence.

quote:
Hearing no response I continued my gaze over the majestic sea that spread out before me.

Needs a comma after 'response'. The sentence is too plain. Would like to see how majestic that sea is instead of 'that spread out before me'. Dig deep here.

quote:
The smell of salt in the air and the wind on my face was so refreshing that I almost forgot the reason why I was up here in the first place.

I'd cut 'in the first place'

quote:
I snapped myself back into reality and stepped back from the ledge of the cliff and turned around, and found myself looking into the pathetic face of Pierre.

Three 'and's caught my eye. I would make this two sentences. Cut 'around' unless he is doing a 360. Don't like 'found myself looking'. It is as if he was surprised that Pierre is there.

quote:
Yes,” I repeated, slowly moving towards him, “things are going to be quit different from now on.”

I believe 'quit' is missing an 'e'.

This is probably more of a victim of hatracks 13 line restriction but based on this I probably wouldn't read on. It feels as if you are withholding information from the reader.

Hope this helps.

Posted by 3442 (Member # 8876) on :

Thanks very much for all the responses. And yes, it did help.

Posted by Raider (Member # 8871) on :

“You know,” I said leaning over the edge of the cliff, “there are going to be a few changes around here from now on.”

This one line gets my attention because I'm interested to know what kind of changes are you talking about. I also agree with what snapper said in regards to the grammar errors. Those are minor corrections. But either wise I'd like to see more and see where this goes.

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

I liked this one and would read on to find out more. It does read a little akwardly at the moment though, having the dialogue, followed by no response which you then use to show the setting, then you use more words to have him repeat the line--why does Pierre only panic when your MC repeats himself? It lessens the impact of the statement.

A few awkward phrases such as "continued my gaze" "snapped myself back into reality" "pathetic face of Pierre" "grasp the gravity of his past actions" which could do with strengthening.

I think this might be stronger if you cut the opening dialogue and have your MC gazing out to sea to start with, and then have him turn to Pierre and say that line only once.