Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Downsizing Death, 1500 words

This is topic Downsizing Death, 1500 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by cbprice01 (Member # 8812) on :

Harry and Sally walked along the sidewalk holding hands as well as a quiet conversation in the balmy evening air. There was no moon and this made it difficult to see any kind of detail, they appeared to be just large blobs strolling blissfully along. Of course, there was no one out to see them anyway.
Finally, the taller of the two sighed. A deep voice rumbled through the thick night air, “Well, Sally, it is too bad that we have to do this. I really hate it. Let me tell you something, hon. He was among the first to be recruited when the boss had to expand due to the overwhelming increase in need for our service.”
Sally’s beautiful contralto replied, “He was? I didn’t know he went back that far. Then this is going to be even rougher than

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 26, 2009).]

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

Welcome to Hatrack.

I guess, I will be the first to give it a go.

My first thought was POV. It might just be my personal preference but I like to be set in pov very early especially in a small piece such as 1,500 words, and I have no idea's who pov it is. Of course it could be omni or a pov of someone we havent met yet..(At which point disregard my following notes) First sentence I would have thought it was one of their pov's Harry or Sally. But the 2nd sentence makes it cleary someone elses, I expected a watcher(someone watching the 2 interact), but then the third sentence removes that theory. But again the foruth sentence plays the scene as though someone is again watching.

I would suggest trying to ground the pov, unless of course you are going for onmni or another pov, that i havent hit on. You have controversy, 2 people talking about doing something that neither views as an enjoyable task, so you have a start, and a hook you jsut need to bring it out more for me to read on.

[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited September 27, 2009).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

There was a film called 'When Harry Met Sally'. It was a late 80's film but well known enough for me to recommend you change one of thier names, as both thier names together makes me think of them.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi cbprice01,

Welcome to Hatrack!

IMO "When Hally met Sally" would have been significantly improved by liberal applications of the grim reaper (I presume from the title that the story features Mr. Death as a corporate identity).

Anyway, as Tiergan has noted, the story would probably be stronger with a defined POV. As you've started with two people, the traditional approach would be to fix the story in either Harry or Sally's POV. Who is the most important person in your story? A lot of the description is quite generic; I have a vague picture of what's happening, but nothing stands out as a vivid image that brings me into the scene.

Nits below:

quote:
Harry and Sally walked along the sidewalk holding hands as well as a quiet conversation in the balmy evening air. (the construction of this suggests Harry and Sally are "holding" a conversation literally in their hands.) There was no moon and this made it difficult to see any kind of detail, they appeared to be just large blobs strolling blissfully along. Of course, there was no one out to see them anyway.(this is the sentence that really confuses the POV for me)
Finally, the taller of the two sighed. A deep voice rumbled through the thick night air, “Well, Sally, it is too bad that we have to do this. I really hate it. Let me tell you something, hon. He was among the first to be recruited when the boss had to expand due to the overwhelming increase in need for our service." (this strikes me as a potential "as you know Bob" info dump since Sally knows what the unnamed person does and knows that he was recruited. It is quite unnatural speech.)
Sally’s beautiful contralto replied, “He was? I didn’t know he went back that far. Then this is going to be even rougher than

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

I had a similar reaction around the POV that others have pointed out. POV is hard to figure out, hard to master, but absolutely a skill that can be learned by any writer. Nothing mystical about it, but keeping POV straight lets your readers get into your story, instead of getting caught up in the mechanics of who is telling your story. If you haven't heard of it before, Orson Scott Card's book Characters and Viewpoints is EXCELLENT. Highly recommend, it really helped me get my head and writing around POV.

My other suggestion is to reconsider the way you've worded the dialogue. It doesn't sound the way people talk to each other, it sounds stilted, forced, like you as the writer are trying to get some information across and you are choosing to do it via dialogue. If we readers need the information, you don't HAVE to deliver it by dialogue.

Example:

Harry sighed. He hated having to tell Sally about Bob, but she deserved to know.
"It sucks that we have to off Bob. He was one of the first. Back when boss was first getting set up, you know? Heck, I'd only been in the outfit for a few weeks myself. Boss was expanding, Bob was the right guy in the right place at the right time."

Just a thought on a direction you could go. Good luck with this piece.

Posted by cbprice01 (Member # 8812) on :

I loved When Harry Met Sally and when I read the story I knew there was something familiar about it. Thanks I will change one of their names.

AS for POV thanks for all the feedback on how to resolve the issue.

If anyone would be interested in the entire 1500 words I would be appreciative.