Hatrack River Writers Workshop: We do it for the love

This is topic We do it for the love in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003758

Posted by imperialcancer (Member # 8696) on :

Here are my first thirteen for a story I have had an idea about for a long time. Let me know what you think.

He heard the oxygen leave his body in a fitful scream as the pain increased. The pressure kept coming even though the oxygen had escaped his lips, causing his lungs to collapse even further. His head was spinning as he began to pant when the pressure subsided holding him in place.
As he was held in this painful state flipped upside down, one word managed to escape from his sobbing breath, “Why…?”
A voice from beside his head responded in its gruff tone, “You know why Caleb. You do it for the love! You do it for your love of the Earth, her place in the Intergalactic Alliance, and the game. The Earth needs to show those colonial bastards that we are the original humans. Their time of domination has

PS there is more to this section if you want to see it. Thanks!

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 21, 2009).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

He heard the oxygen leave his body in a fitful scream[[I am having a difficult time envisioning this]] as the pain increased. The pressure kept coming[[From where?]] even though the oxygen had escaped his lips[[not too much oxygen in the lips]], causing his lungs to collapse even further. His head was spinning as he began to pant when the pressure subsided holding him in place.[[The events in this sentence do not progress naturally. I would consider flipping the two occurences so the are in order by the way they happened chronologically]]
As he was held in this painful state[[I am still not sure what painfull state in which he is being held. There hasn't been an adequate description of what is happening to him]] flipped upside down, one word managed to escape from his sobbing breath, “Why…?”
A voice from beside his head[[A voice from an unseen man/woman? Can he see? is He blind? blind-folded?]] responded in its gruff tone, “You know why[[COMMA]] Caleb. You do it for the love! You do it for your love of the Earth, her place in the Intergalactic Alliance, and the game. The Earth needs to show those colonial bastards that we are the original humans. Their time of domination has

[[I feel that this was a bit overwritten. There is definate action and the pace is upbeat and exciting, yet I am still unclear about the situation in which the MC has found himself. How did he come to be in this (all I can clearly gather is that he is upside down and somehow being squeezed) predicament. My advice is to slow this down a bit and write it more clearly. I feel that clearly being able to identify the situation would build fare more interest even if doing so allows you to provide slightly less of the event. From my view point it seems you were trying too hard to cram a bunch of action in the intro to provide a spectacular hook( a problem we all face from time to time) at the same time trying to do so with metaphorical prose. I would recomend focusing more on providing unambiguous information which will help construct a vivid scene.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed the premise. I was very interested in the speculative elements to this story and I would definately read on if this were refined a bit. I certainly think that you are off to a great start and I hope my comments help.]]

[This message has been edited by Keebler Elves(edited September 22, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited September 22, 2009).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Who is Keebler Elves?

Posted by imperialcancer (Member # 8696) on :

His head was spinning as he began to pant when the pressure from the machine known simply as The Bitch increased, holding his now paralyzed form even tighter. He heard the oxygen leave his body in a fitful scream as the pain increased and the blood rushed into his beat red face with the encouragement from gravity. The Bitch paid his screams no heed as she performed like the sadistic mistress she was created to be.
As he was held in this painful cocoon like state flipped with his head facing the floor, one word managed to escape from his sobbing breath, “Why…?”
A voice from beside his head responded in its gravelly, yet feminine, tone, “You know why, Caleb. You do it for the love!

Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

I don't see much of an improvement.

Much of what bent tree said still applies.

------

His head was spinning as he began to pant when the pressure from the machine known simply as The Bitch increased, holding his now paralyzed form even tighter.(this first sentence doesnt work for me at all. TOO muchie happening. Cut it down. Get rid of some of the "His" and "He's" and give us a name. eg - Charles head spun. He panted from the pressure of the machine..) He heard the oxygen leave his body in a fitful scream as the pain increased and the blood rushed into his beat red face with the encouragement from gravity.(again, whats going on, I feel like your trying to paint an elaborate mental picture here for me instead of tell a story, and I feel like your trying to do it in as few sentences as possible. You also have some POV issues."He heard the oxygen leave his body.." Not really a problem but this creates a picture of your MC having a 3rd person view of himself here, which I can understand if he is under large amounts of stress, (an outer body experience?)but it continues on to describe the pain he feels. If he is disconnected enough to hear oxygen leave his body, I don't feel like he would be close enough to feel the pain, or if he feels the pain, he wouldnt be paying attention to his breathing. "his beat red face.." Pov Prob.) The Bitch paid his screams no heed as she performed like the sadistic mistress she was created to be.(this sentence is awesome, its the reason I read it through and commented)
As he was held in this painful cocoon like state flipped(remove flipped; flipped would be an action not a description of his state, your saying already he is facing down next) with his head facing the floor, one word managed to escape from his sobbing breath, “Why…?”
A voice from beside his head responded in its gravelly, yet feminine, tone,(this first sentence of the last paragraph doesnt work. Im not on the up-and-up with the technicals of writing, so I am having trouble relating the problem to you. Something to do with the way you make the voice itself a person. The voice isn't responding in its gravelly feminine tone. The voice IS gravelly and feminine. Maybe someone else can explain better) “You know why, Caleb. You do it for the love!

----

Some good stuff in there but too much is going on. Actually its not that too much is going on, but your in too much detail of things that are not important. Remember your telling a story, not writing a screenplay right? Don't bog the reader down with all this info that they're not going to remember in 5 seconds. (like " his face is red and gravity is helping", not part of the story, does nothing for it.)

My suggestion: Cut out a lot of the descriptive wording you got here, move into the POV of the character, and Break what you have up into smaller sentences.

Look forward to seeing a rewrite!

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited September 22, 2009).]

Posted by imperialcancer (Member # 8696) on :

OK Here is a third attempt. Thanks for all of your input thus far. I appreciate it. Nice to have someone tell you the honest truth.

Caleb began to pant when the pressure from the machine known simply as The Bitch increased, tightening her grip on his fragile human form. The oxygen in his lungs left in a fitful scream as the pain increased and gravity encouraged his blood to flush his cheeks. The Bitch paid his screams no heed as she performed like the sadistic mistress she was created to be.
As Caleb was held in The Bitch’s cocoon like embrace of agony one word managed to escape from his sobbing breath, “Why…?”
The gravelly, yet feminine, voice of his coach responded from beside his head, “You know why, Caleb. You do it for the love! You do it for your love of the Earth, her place in the Intergalactic Alliance, and the game.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

skadder, I think those Keebler Elves live in a Bent Tree.

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

"The enemy's gate is down." - OSC

Without a point of reference, your story does not have a sense of direction or of understanding on the part of the reader. I do not know where he is or what this "Bitch" is, and so I am having a hard time picturing it. I also know nothing of the character, so I also have difficulty knowing whether I should care. The first thing I learned at Hatrack is that secrecy doesn't sell. Don't info-dump, but the reader needs to be grounded early in the story. Your prose is good, but consider your punctuation and how you can direct the reader with it.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I liked the rewrite. It is a much more comfortable pace and I definately have a clearer picture as to what is happening.

Oh Yeah, Skadder, the Keebler elves are the ones that come along and mess up my editing code and make me redo it over and over again