Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Thinking Amongst the Thoughtless 2nd attempt

This is topic Thinking Amongst the Thoughtless 2nd attempt in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by imperialcancer (Member # 8696) on :

I sent my story to someone to read and they never finished it and suggested that I create a new beginning. I think that says it all about my hook past the first few lines... He complained that there was to much talking and not enough showing the world in which my character Jonny lives to make the statements of the characters believable. I have gone back to the drawing board to recreate a more concrete beginning and even (Gasp!) possibly past where I had originally desired to end the story, since everyone who has ever finished the story was dying for more. Let me know what you all think about this as my beginning. Is it to boring? I am not sure. I will probably be posting other possible starts as well. This is the first writing exercise I have attempted in a long time. I hope its not to horrible. If i have exceeded the first 13 lines I apologize...

This is the link to my original 13 lines:

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum26/HTML/000687.html

Jonny’s world whizzed past at the speed of sound as the supersonic bullet train pulled into the New Jersey High School Hub station. His stomach churned as the train came to a smooth yet abrupt halt and the elderly lady collapsed back into her seat from the G forces to his left, sending a whiff of cheap perfume his way. Jonny smiled at her clumsiness, but his stomach soon churned for a different reason as his consciousness drifted back to the sad realization that this day was like any other. As the train defied inertia, Jonny stood to face the day and Bobby’s despicable posse at the New Jersey High School Hub.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi Imperialcancer,

I don’t think you’ve started at the right point here. I suspect the primary conflict starts when Jonny confronts Bobby’s posse? At the moment, I’ve got no reason to follow Johnny. He’s faintly dislikeable (smiling at an old woman’s clumsiness) and you’ve mostly given us setting rather than a conflict. Where does your protagonist’s life change in some significant way?

Minor nits below.

Nick

quote:
Jonny’s world whizzed past at the speed of sound (isn’t the train supersonic?) as the supersonic bullet train pulled into the New Jersey High School Hub station. His stomach churned as the train came to a smooth yet abrupt halt (this needs to be on one sentence). To his leftThe elderly lady collapsed back into her seat from the G forces, sending a whiff of cheap perfume his way (if it’s this fast, would an elderly lady ride the train?). Jonny smiled at her clumsiness, but his stomach soon churned for a different reason as his consciousness drifted back to the sad realization that this day was like any other (two unrelated concepts in this sentence; his stomach churning is unrelated to smiling at the lady’s clumsiness). As the train defied inertia (how about “with the train stopped” or something similar?), Jonny stood to face the day and Bobby’s despicable (how about directly showing us how they’re despicable?) posse at the New Jersey High School Hub. (

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 21, 2009).]

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

I agree with Nick. This open seems to promise a story about a bullet train, then switches to the posse at the end. I would start with the posse stuff, then sprinkle in the setting if you feel you need to.

Also, I thought your 2nd and 3rd sentences were way too long. I'd chop them up and vary the lengths.

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

I'd agree with the crits above. You're setting the scene here - but the scene is a train ride, and unless the story has anything to do with the train ride, that isn't the scene you need to set.

If you don't want to start with Jonny's confrontation (and there are perfectly good reasons why you might not) then starting with his dread, at least, gives us a hook.

And the "just ike any other day" is a real no-no. If you make it sound as if your story is going to be humdrum and boring, you're not getting the reader on your good side.