Although it seemed in every important job humans were being replaced with A.I., I never worried. I just didn't. Every month after the board meeting it seemed one or more of the board members would come down to give me a pat on the back. They wanted that. They wanted the comfort of human interaction.
They didn't want some droid in charge of Time Traffic Control.
Why? Because I was human, I understood human nature. I could see motives and stop a history altering catastrophe before it happened because I had the same desires the would be time wrecker had and therefore I could stop them from pushing Martin Luther King away from his assasin's bullet or throw a hand grenade in the training center where the suicide pilots responsible for 9/11 learned to fly planes, or the endless other plots to right the wrongs throughout history.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited September 21, 2009).]
All I can offer is my subjective preferences to tweak and trim. Don’t let my suggestions detract from your voice.
Although [it seemed -> don’t need] in every important job [swap these phrases] humans were being replaced with A.I., I never worried. [I just didn't. -> distracting; don’t need] Every month after the board meeting [it seemed -> don’t need] one or more of the board members [would come down -> weren’t they all in the same room? I’d cut it] [to give -> gave] me a pat on the back. [They wanted that. -> could cut] They wanted the comfort of human interaction. [continue paragraph?]
They didn't want some droid in charge of Time Traffic Control. [Great line! It brings together two speculative elements and conveys character attitude and societal distrust of technology.]
Punctuation and grammar (look in the edit mode, because some of the bolding doesn't show; I added commas, hyphens, etc.):
Why? Because I was human, I understood human nature. I could see motives and stop a history-altering catastrophe before it happened, because I had the same desires [as] the would-be time wreckers. [had and therefore -> cut] I could stop them from pushing Martin Luther King away from his assassin's bullet or throwing a hand grenade in the training center where the suicide pilots responsible for 9/11 learned to fly planes, or the endless other plots to right the wrongs throughout history. [That’s still an awfully long sentence.]
You use “I” a lot in that second paragraph—could some of the credit be shared with “our department” or “my crew”?
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 21, 2009).]
As far as the first 13, I like it, it has a good feel to it. My only concern is that there is no action, not in the classic, hack and slash sense, but it all happens in his/her/its thoughts, no scene. Although the doing it this way does get us in the characters head quickly and sets the pov, and sets the stage for what is to come. A problem or not, I woundlt know until I read the entire piece.
As far as hooking, yes, it hooked me enough to want to read on.
I just think it needs polishing.
I became a little confused with the way you structured your logic about the reason(s) for having a human in the position:
quote:
...They wanted that. They wanted the comfort of human interaction.
They didn't want some droid in charge of Time Traffic Control.(I thought the previous statement was just strengthening their need for human contact)
Why? (I thought you already told us) Because I was human, I understood human nature. (It is not until here that I realize you have been talking about a different reason ever since you finished the first paragraph) I could see motives...
Perhaps it would be clearer if the 2nd paragraph read:
quote:
There was another reason they didn't want some droid in charge of Time Traffic Control.
quote:
Although it seemed in every important job humans were being replaced with A.I., I never worried. I just didn't. Every month after the board meeting it seemed [b]one or more of the board members would come down to give me a pat on the back.
*Edit* Just saw Mrs Brown picked up on the same things. Two close uses of “seemed”. Apart from the repetition (which I presume is non-intentional as opposed to the repetition of “they” later), I tend to flag “seemed” as a clue I’m not being specific enough. Same with “just”. How about making it more specific?
“
quote:
They wanted that. They wanted the comfort of human interaction.
They didn't want some droid in charge of Time Traffic Control.
quote:
I could see motives and stop a history altering catastrophe before it happened because I had the same desires the would be time wrecker had and therefore I could stop them from pushing Martin Luther King away from his assasin's bullet or throw a hand grenade in the training center where the suicide pilots responsible for 9/11 learned to fly planes, or the endless other plots to right the wrongs throughout history.
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 24, 2009).]