Lisa waited until the chimes of Big Ben had finally ended before she started moving again. Strange, coming to London she had thought it would be the silence which frightened her the most, and yet it was the sudden explosions of noise which sent a fearful thrill skittering down her spine.

Everybody dead and even now London was never still. It was the amount of animals which surprised her the most; everywhere she looked there was some mangy stray dog or creeping cat. Once she even saw a deer bounding out of Kings Cross station. Only six months since the end. What would it be like in six years? Sixty years? She decided to grab what she needed and hurry on back home.

Six months without ever seeing another living person, and still
 

Send it through. Nice hook with an understated atmosphere. A little bit the latest version of "I am legend" but effective nevertheless. Minor nits below:

quote:

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Lisa waited until the chimes of Big Ben had finally (can probably cut this) ended before she started moving again. Strange. Coming to London she had thought it would be the silence which frightened her the most, and yet it was the sudden explosions of noise which sent a fearful thrill skittering(is skittering the right word?)down her spine.

Everybody dead and even now (not sure the "and even now" works as it suggests that movement is the logical consequence of everybody being dead, rather than the counterintuitive scene you describe.I'd suggest but...) London was never still. It was the amount of (you can probably cut this) animals which surprised her the most; everywhere she looked there was some mangy stray dog or creeping cat. Once she even saw a deer bounding out of Kings Cross station. Only six months since the end. What would it be like in six years? Sixty years? She decided to grab what she needed and hurry on back home.

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[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 18, 2009).]
 

Why did she stop whilst the bell rang? Was she panicked? Excited? Nostalgic?

Basically I didn't get a sence of the MC's emotions, personality. I didn't feel a connection.
 

Thanks for the comments so far--been really helpful

[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited September 18, 2009).]
 

It has me curious and I would be happy to read for you.
 

As far as this 13, The first 2 setences sets this piece well. One small nit in the first, I would suggest losing the, had finally, and just go with "Big Ben ended."

My only other concern is the second paragraph reads like a summary. Whether its a big thing or not depends upon the flow of the rest of the story.

As far as the "cliche" or not, it doesnt matter to me, if the writing stands, then it will carry the piece.

Again, send it my way if you want.
 

That grabbed my attention. I am left wondering, why would the sudden noise be the most frightening? Maybe follow up with one more sentence, recounting something scary happening the last time there was noise. Or the noise makes Lisa recall the event that killed everybody, that brought about the end. Is it this that shes afraid of happening again? I'm just guessing here...

then I would suggest a little less description, maybe more of Lisa's thoughts, spoken out loud to herself. Implying that since there are no other people to speak to she speaks to herself...

Pretty good though, I'm definitely a little hooked. I really liked the movie I am Legend, so it brought on good memories