The lift must have been two hundred years old and looked like a death-trap. It was all hinged and latticed steel, with no reassuring modern composites and absolutely no flashing lights in sight. I reached out to open the cage’s sliding door, but pulled my hand back when I spotted some rust. Rust? "It is perfectly safe, Mr Roussos. I have it serviced regularly." The voice echoed around the warehouse's ground floor. The lack of harmonics--a flatness to the tone--told me it issued from a speaker hidden in some gloomy recess. I glanced about for a sensor strip. "Mr. Violix?" Is that you?" "Yes, Mr. Roussos. It is only ten floors up, if you choose to use the stairs, but I assure you that the lift is safe."
Revised (1)
The lift must have been four hundred years old, or at least a skillful reproduction of a classic design. It was all hinged and latticed steel, plastic buttons and lino flooring--devoid of reassuringly modern composites or flickering sensors. I reached for the cage’s sliding door, but stopped, my hand an inch away. Weren't these old elevators cages suspended on just thin cables? "It is perfectly safe, Mr. Roussos. It's serviced regularly." The voice echoed around the warehouse's dark stairwell. A metallic twang--a lack of modulation--had me glancing about the gloom, in vain, for a sensor strip. "Mr. Violix?" Is that you?" "Yes, Mr. Roussos. My studio is on the tenth floor. If you
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited August 18, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 18, 2009).]
Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :
Cool. I like this one a lot. There's some subtle creepiness that I really dig. I would definitely read on.
One thought:
The lift must have been two hundred years old and looked like a death-trap. I thought your opening sentence was the weakest of your 1st thirteen. You may want to consider cutting it and starting with "The lift was all hinged and latticed steel...". Let your descriptions tell us it was a death-trap, instead of coming out and saying it.
Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :
Good intro but I'm not sure how strong the hook is. I know it may come in the next sentence or two but right now I'm not terribly curious about anything. That doesn't mean I wouldn't continue reading but I don't feel compelled to.
I agree with alliedfive about where to start.
You also have an opportunity for more description. Instead of 'some rust', you could say 'when I spotted rust running along the top of the ironwork', or something like that. 'Some rust' doesn't tell us if it's really rusty or if this guy is being a wuss because of a small spot of rust and he is uncomfortable with things that aren't shiny and new.
Just my thoughts.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I posted this straight from the story's first draft. The first thirteen were written without any thought of hooks as I pretty much wrote the entire story in one sitting (well, one day, but a few sittings--it's 3K).
I will bend my mind to it and post a revision above.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
Revision above...mind bent.
Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :
As I was reading through your revision I was thinking 'well, he hasn't added any more of a hook here'. Then I got to the last line and knew I would have to read on to find out what was going to happen. At this point, you really didn't leave me a choice.
Well done.
Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :
Yeah, this first line is better. I'd probably cut "of a classic design" from the end of it unless this guy is some kind of elevator connoisseur.