My feet stung, but I ignored it. They flipped on the switch, and flames rolled up. The leading recruits sounded off the counts; we grabbed the hoses, and heaved. Though normally my small female frame struggled to keep up, simply too short to compete with the long muscled legs of the group leaders, I found myself different. My movements were smooth, almost confident. We functioned as a well greased machine; as a true team.
Though the night was thick, and no other person moved about the naval school grounds, this firehouse was alive. We were finally at the brink, the end. This was the last event before we could graduate.
quote:
My feet stung, but I ignored it. They flipped on [delete?] the switch, and flames rolled up [Sounds exciting, but I the image isn't clear.]. The leading recruits sounded off the counts; we grabbed the hoses, and heaved. Though normally my small female frame [Unusual way for her to think of herself] struggled to keep up, simply too short to compete with the long muscled legs of the group leaders, this time[?] I found myself different. My movements were smooth, almost confident. We functioned as a well-greased machine; as a true team. [The repetition is overkill, for me]
Though the night was thick, and no other person moved about the naval school grounds, this firehouse was alive. We were finally at the brink, the end. This was the last event before we could graduate.
Good starting point. Fire is interesting. So is the promise of graduation. The language struck me as a little stilted throughout and that kept me at a distance. Making the PoV sound more natural would help draw me in to a story written in the first person.
I'll take a look at the rest, if you'd like to send it over.
quote:
My feet stung, but I ignored it. They flipped on the switch, and flames rolled up. [I'm having a hard time picturing what's happening here] The leading recruits sounded off the counts; we grabbed the hoses, and heaved. Though normally my small female frame struggled to keep up, simply too short to compete with the long muscled legs of the group leaders, I found myself different. [The phrasing feels a bit awkward. Maybe something like "... I discovered I had different abilities"] My movements were smooth, almost confident. [I think you're either confident or not. "Almost confident" sounds like an oxymoron. Plus, I would assume the group leaders were also smooth and confident. Perhaps you could be more specific about how the MC is different.] We functioned as a well greased machine; as a true team.I've always heard the phrase as a "well oiled machine". However, it's something of a cliche. Is there another way to say this?"Though the night was thick, and no other person moved about the naval school grounds, [b][what does the "thickness" of the night have to do with no moving?] this firehouse was alive. We were finally at the brink, the end. This was the last event before we could graduate.
Overall the writing isn't bad, except for a few lazy phrases ("well greased machine", "the night was thick"). Try to find unique ways to express these concepts rather than falling back on common/cliche sayings.
And I like the premise. There's no speculative elements here, but I'm assuming it will be a speculative work, and when I think of firemen and SF, I think "Farenheit 451". Not necessarily a bad thing, just an observation. I'd keep reading, but hopefully there's some original twist here on either putting out fires or starting fires.
Questions (that you don't need to respond to):
1) Why did your feet sting? The exercise hasn't started...it seems to serve no point.
2) What did the flames roll up? I noted a lack of environment in the piece.
3)Instead of the 'normally, I struggled bit' why not save words by saying instead 'this time I could keep up, my movements were for the first time smooth and confident...' Your retrospective view takes you out of the present, when you could easily place the same facts in the present by focusing on how she feels about what she is doing NOW.
4) The last sentence seems out of place, I would expect her to be focusing on her job and the large hot flames, rather than considering how close she was to the end of her training. Besides the conflict I presume is somewhere in the present (in the fire?) not in the future...at the graduation.
So, they weren't really questions--more comments.
Hope it helped.
Adam
I loved all of the comments. I'll sent it on to those who've asked.