Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Silver Lining Within v2

This is topic The Silver Lining Within v2 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003653

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Trying again, starting later. How does this look?

quote:
Elizabeth Henderson shook her head at the latest LA Times hatchet job on her life’s work from the co-pilot seat of her blimp, Tesla’s Legacy, at three thousand feet.
Ten reasons why Henderson’s Lead Balloon is doomed to fail.
“I like number ten,” chimed in Ben Hurley from the pilots seat.
The copper strips that vertically circle around Tesla’s silver skin, makes it look like a gaudy Christmas ornament.
Elizabeth snorted. “That just proves the Times knows as much about beauty as it does magnetohydrodynamics…”
Red lights flashed and sirens blared. Elizabeth shot out of her seat and burst into the cargo hold of the blimp.
“Are we going to crash?” shouted Ben.
Elizabeth popped an access panel to the generator. One of the

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

Now we don't have to worry about protesters, do we?

I'd read on in this. There are no questions unanswered here. I get the feeling of a touch of smugness on the part of Henderson, then she is immediately slapped down by the emergency.

I like her pilot's first reaction... "Are we going to crash?" O ye of little faith...

This gets us right into the action.

Posted by alliedfive (Member # 7811) on :

I like it. Good action start. My only problem is that I come away from your 1st thirteen liking Ben a lot more than Elizabeth. It's probably fine as is, but you could throw in some reason why we should be rooting for her zeppelin to succeed. Maybe in the "Elizabeth snorted" sentence?

Also, for some reason "burst into the cargo hold of the blimp" felt like a weird POV shift, like we are seeing her burst into the room we are in, rather than being in her POV. Maybe she "shot out of her seat and ran to the cargo hold" (you also don't need to say "of the blimp." I knew where we were).

Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

The first sentence could be interpreted as the LA Times is reporting from a co-pilot seat at 3000 feet.
I think you could cut the second half of that sentence; we find out soon enough that they're in the blimp and high up in the air.
You could change the fourth line to "...chimed in Ben Hurley from the pilot's seat of the blimp" or even, "from the pilot seat of Tesla's Legacy"
The grammar of the next line seemed off to me. I think it might read better as "...around Tesla's silver skin make it look like a gaudy Christmas ornament"

I'll read, but I won't have a quick return time since I'm going out of town for a long weekend.

Posted by Jennywinnie (Member # 8510) on :

I agree. I certainlly love your characterization of Ben. Especially when his first line is "My favorite is number ten"

It's like he's just laughing it all off.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Thanks BC. I do have two problems, however.
1) It's not done.
2) The deadline is the first of July.

I will send what I have done thus far, 800 words. It would help if you could tell me if the plot grabs you, whether the characters are likable enough, if the antagonist characters are oppropiate, and if you get what is going on.

Thank you very much.

Posted by Jeff M (Member # 7828) on :

The first sentence has a lot of facts. Nothing technically wrong, but it feels like you're trying to get as much setting in as quickly as possible.

And when I read the headline, the hamsters that spin the wheel that makes my brain work had to do a couple of extra laps for me to connect the "Henderson" in the headline to "Elizabeth Henderson" mentioned in the first line. I know it's the next sentence, but just for a split second when I read the headline I did a "Who?... oh." Maybe have Elizabeth comment on the headline rather than write out the actual headline?

Past that it was fine... flowed well and was sufficiently hooky.

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

That's much better. Except for that first sentence. But, revise it after you've finished the first draft.

Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Others have said it but the first sentence bothered me. Too long and complex. I had to read it twice.

I kind of liked the contrast in personalities between Ben and Elizabeth. He seems to have a sense of humor and doesn't take himself too seriously while she has a no nonsense aura about her. It could make for good chemistry.

It's easy to like Ben more based on what I see but I would read on.

~Anthony

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

I had the same problem with the first line as everybody else.

Another concern was why the lights and sirens automatically signal generator problems. Was there a sound or did something stop working? Is that the only thing that could go wrong with the blimp? This seems to be a bit of a leap.

Also, how far is the cargo hold from the control area in a blimp? I thought they were separated like a modern airplane. I may be wrong, but that's how they appear in movies. I definitely do not believe there is easy access from the control room of the blimp. This begs the question of how loud Ben was having to shout and how long it would take Elizabeth to get there. Could there be direct access to the generator from the control area? I know you're time-pressed, but these are some of my thoughts.