I've reworked this story (which used to have a different name).
Here are the first 13:
Racela knelt and dried her brother’s tears, then hugged him close. He cried as only a small child can--as though his world had ended. A part of it had, when his favorite dragon had died that morning, misjudging a turn in the morning acrobatics display. “Don’t cry, Joren. Garm was old. He has gone to be with the Goddess. You will see him again, someday.” “Only beings able to use magic go to the Goddess’ presence,” Agast said coming up behind her on the long balcony that overlooked the rainbow-colored cliffs where the dragons made their nests. Racela closed her eyes and suppressed her anger with an effort. Of all the priests to be present today, it had
Anyone want to read the whole thing?
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
This was pretty good without really gripping me. Any comments would just be nitpicks such as maybe cutting that first sentence to: "Racela hugged her brother close." seeing as you say in the next sentence that he's crying.
I'll have a read if you like.
Posted by Sixbells (Member # 8610) on :
I was engaged from the first line, especially about the young child crying as through the world had ended. However the tension was lost for me once you mention the dragon. I think you introduced the reason for the crying too soon, if you put it at the end for me at least it would have created more suspense. But it's only a minor criticism.
[This message has been edited by Sixbells (edited May 30, 2009).]
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
I'll read it, if there's no rush. The only problem (other than nits) I saw was too many unfamiliar names--but i could sense it was going to clear up.
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
Just about anything with dragons works for me It's short enough, I'm willing to read the whole thing. I very much like "...as though his world had ended. A part of it had..."
The one nitpicky thing that jumped out at me was the name Agast--too much like "aghast"--I picture him with a perpetual look of mortified shock.
And, um, rainbow-colored cliffs makes me think of Smurfs.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited June 01, 2009).]
It's short enough, I'm willing to read the whole thing.