Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Twelve Dancing Maidens

This is topic Twelve Dancing Maidens - Light, Speculative (4,000 words) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

Hoping for crits of the whole story, though of course comments on the 1st 13 are always welcome. The piece has a light speculative element.

(My internet access is patchy right now, but I'll respond as and when I can.)

quote:

The two young men stepped out of darkness through the doorway, followed by a flurry of snow. Inside, the pub was warm, smoky, bathed in yellow light.
“Shut the door,” a stocky man in worn tweed called from a seat by the fire. “There's chill enough outside the night.”
Ryan turned and pulled the door to, then stamped the packed snow from his boots. He turned to face his companion. “End of the road, Glen?”
“One for the road. Then we'll press on. It's about an hour's hike to the Maidens, though it's all track and open moor from here. Still want to go?”
“Sure I do. We've come this far.”

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

I'll read Toby.

"The two young men stepped out of the darkness through the doorway," isn't working for me. It may just be me, but it feels clunky for some reason.

Not the most intriguing start but I would read on. The thought occurs that this might be a good one to play with accents. I've never done that myself but have read some stories that are very much enhanced by the country speak. The man who said, "Shut the door," had a a thick Yorkshire accent in my head. Too much Emmerdale Farm I guess.

BTW, you wouldn't get me out on the moors in the snow at night. Wait, I must be intrigued.

Tracy

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

I'm wondering just what these "Maidens" are. I'll read.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

It's not 'The Slaughtered Lamb' pub, is it?

I'd read on.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

“There's chill enough outside the night.” – This stopped me cold. I didn’t understand the wording. Is it some colloquialism?
And this exchange also didn’t make sense to me. -- “End of the road, Glen?”
“One for the road.

I mean… the first is asking (I presume) if the quest(?) is over. But the reply seems (to me) be just the common response of having a drink before going out. I can with sme thought see how this could work but it’s so odd that it jerked me once again out of the story to have to figure out what they meant.

As an opening, except for the title, -- for me, personal taste—I wouldn’t feel a strong reason to read on. Sorry.

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

quote:
“There's chill enough outside the night.” – This stopped me cold

I got stuck here too, wondering if 'the' was a typo for 'this'.

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi,

It is a slow start. The dialogue threw me off a touch too. I would have thought the line “There's chill enough outside the night" is actually unnecessary...I'd understand why the stocky man said it if I was Ryan or Glen.

Does the story start here or at the Maidens?

Nick

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

Thanks for the comments, all. I'll send a copy on to those who asked for it.

Tracy hit the nail on the head for the first line of dialogue: I was playing with accents. Maybe you have to have be British (or have lived there) to recognize (what is meant to be) a fairly broard Yorkshire dialect. I tried to keep it light, but if it's incomprehensible then maybe it needs to be lighter yet. Perhaps Nick has it right and I should just cut it, hmmm...

I'll sit on the exchange between Glen and Ryan for now, Arriki, and see whether it seems more generally problematic. Thanks for the input.

The pub isn't called "The Slaughtered Lamb" - although they do say that the last werewolf in England was killed not a mile from its door

And Nick, the story is about their journey to the Maidens, so it starts here.

Cheers!