Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Apprentice Heir- Fantasy (about 4900 words)

This is topic Apprentice Heir- Fantasy (about 4900 words) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by JCarroll (Member # 8061) on :

Here's one of two stories I've recently written that I'd like to gussy up for submission. I'd like people to read it all of it and give me some feedback, but comments on the first thirteen are also helpful and appreciated.

It's hard to get a job when you're a failed wizard's apprentice, I should know. Here's an excerpt from my last interview.
“Your resume says that you were pursuing a higher degree in Thayu...in Thawmu... how do you say this?”
“Thaumaturgy.”
“What is that exactly?”
“Magick.”
“Oh. Like pulling rabbits out of a hat and making people disappear?”
“No, like turning lead into gold and summoning demons.”
“I see. We'll call you when we make our decision.”
They never call and I stay at the Burger Shack where I worked during high school.

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

I'll give it a go.

Posted by Meredith (Member # 8368) on :

I'll read it.

Posted by Tim Young (Member # 8421) on :

I'm sufficiently hooked. Can I read it?

Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :

Hi JCarrol,

The conversation is nice and promises humour. That probably works as a hook on its own, but I'm not visualising a scene or character.

It also shifts time (like a flashback) which can run the risk of losing a reader.

Is there any way of keeping the humor of the dialogue while placing it in a traditional scene? You can probably get awayout them given the promises you make to your readers in the dialogue, but I think it could be even stronger with some scene setting.

Regards,

Nick