With a little more polish:
Brull’s head began to spin. He dropped his wooden sword, clutching his head. He collapsed. His sparring partner tried to catch his fall, but only succeeded in getting knocked over himself as Brull crashed to the packed dirt surface of the training field.
“Brull!” The voice filled his whole body. “Polidor, your god speaks. You are mage-born. You are called to enter our service. You will travel to Hineton in Panta and thence to the village of the Tempat where more will be revealed.”
“Gods’ Crap,” was the first thing out of Brull’s mouth as he came to.
First Try:
All of a sudden, Brull’s head began to spin. He dropped his wooden sword, putting his hand to his head. He collapsed. His sparring partner tried to catch his fall, but only succeeded in getting knocked over himself as Brull crashed to the packed dirt surface of the training field.
“Brull,” the voice filled his whole body. “Polidor, your god speaks. You are mage-born. You are called to enter our service. You will travel to Hineton in Panta and thence to the village of the Tempat where more will be revealed.”
“Crap,” was the first thing out of Brull’s mouth as he came to.
...any readers would be appreciated.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 27, 2009).]
quote:
All of a sudden[[At first I thought,'suddenly Brull's head started spinning',would be more appropriate, but then the entire idea felt like a device. Perhaps one line of introductory action before the wham?]] Brull’s head began to spin. He dropped his wooden sword, putting his hand to his head.[[This seemed a bit weak, passive. Perhaps a stronger verb?]] He collapsed. His sparring[[Oh, so, he is sparring. I would start with the blow that KO'd him as the opening line]] partner tried to catch his fall, but only succeeded in getting knocked over himself as Brull crashed to the packed dirt surface of the training field.
“Brull,” the voice[[What voice?]] filled his whole body. “Polidor, your god speaks. You are mage-born. You are called to enter our service. You will travel to Hineton in Panta and thence to the village of the Tempat where more will be revealed.”[[not sure where this is comming from]]
“Crap,”[[This dialogue doesn't really match the strange voice or the period it suggest. Unless this is a modern story, where he has an ancient calling in his head, I would consider this.]] was the first thing out of Brull’s mouth as he came to
I think a little reorganization and clarifying the strange voices source will make this a nice intro.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 26, 2009).]
As for 'Crap,' I am open for suggestions for colloquial terms for crap that will work better. Is there an approved scatalogical term in S&S fiction? Brull is a shake-your-fist-at-the-gods kind of guy so the sentiment is our entre into his mind. He is not happy about the calling.
- Owasm
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 26, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by extrinsic (edited March 26, 2009).]