Janik woke and noticed three things immediately, the unbearable light, the sweat running down his bare chest and the restraints on his arms and legs. “Where…where am…where am I?” he stammered, fear slinking into his consciousness like a snake slithering up his pant leg.
Janik’s mind went back to the last thing he remembered. I was on my way to the Outer Rings Penal Colony for a three-year mandatory stay courtesy of the Intergalactic Criminal Tribunal.
“Ah, you are awake. How unfortunate.” A man in green, plain scrubs and a surgical mask reached behind him and picked up a large syringe.
This can’t be good, Janik thought...
Version 2
Janik woke and through blurry eyes took note of his unusual circumstances. The light was unbearable. Sweat ran down his bare chest and there were restraints on his arms and legs.
“Where- Where am I?”
“Ah, you are awake. How unfortunate.” A man in plain green scrubs and a surgical mask reached behind him and picked up a large syringe.
This can’t be good, Janik thought as the doctor flicked the clear plastic tube to get rid of the air bubbles. Fear crept to the forefront of his this thought and Janik struggled against his bonds. “What am I doing here?” he demanded.
“Your cerebral impulses are being harvested to implant into a Dark Brain.”
[This message has been edited by Denem (edited March 24, 2009).]
I don't have any significant criticisms other than the fact that I don't recall having ever regained consciousness from the leg upward. That's a little strange, but it is a unique prespective.
You can just see the guy lean over, leering into poor Janik's face.
Put me down for a read.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited March 24, 2009).]
I know this is just an early draft, but some things could maybe be tightened.
The opening sentence is powerful. I'd start a new paragraph for his first speech though.
In that speech, you have him stammering, than say he stammered. One of those could go, somehow. I'm not sure if it is needed at all.
"Where - Where am I?" he asked. This to me does nearly the same job but more concisely.
The description of fear is clever but didn't convince me, I'm afraid. The image of fear slinking into his consciousness makes me think of alleyways, rather than help me identify with him, and the snake made me pause. Maybe that is just me though.
If you go into direct thoughts, I think they should be in italics.
The description of where he was going is witty but again doesn't convey his feelings. He hasn't been conscious long enough to think so concisely, I felt.
But the place to start the action seems great and the hook is very clear. It is a strong place to start.
D
quote:
Janik woke uh-oh. Cliche alert and noticed three things because I'm critiquing, I'm now counting. As a reader, I'd probably take this on faith immediately, the unbearable light, the sweat running down his bare chest and the restraints on his arms and legs are these three things? Arms and legs as one. Ok, they probably are, but as I said before, you've told me there are three things. I'm questioning the truth of that statement . “Where…where am…where am I?” he stammered cliche alert again , fear slinking into his consciousness like a snake slithering up his pant leg. Why up his pant leg? It seems very specific and is slightly jarring.
Janik’s mind went back to the last thing he remembered. I was on my way to the Outer Rings Penal Colony for a three-year mandatory stay courtesy of the Intergalactic Criminal Tribunal. So, Bob, why have I just woken up? Well, Bob... Info dump-ish.
“Ah, you are awake. How unfortunate.” A man in green, plain plain green reads better scrubs and a surgical mask reached behind him and picked up a large syringe.
This can’t be good, Janik thought...
If I picked up a magazine and this was in it, I'd probably read on a bit, because there's not a lot intrinsically wrong with the writing (there is a compliment hidden in there somewhere, I promise), but it seems very naive about the conventions of writing, so as an editor I probably wouldn't read on to be honest.
Thanks again.
There are a couple of typos, but they don't matter at this stage. A slight nit, the flick for the air bubbles is followed by an evacuation of the air with a slight plunge of the syringe, the flick alone doesn't do the trick.
The issue of having cerebral impulses harvested for the Dark Brain should indicate some apparatus attached to poor Jarik's cranium. Nothing like that is in evidence. If cerebral impulses are harvested, that would indicate to me, a 27th century physician, that no collateral damage will occur unless said impulses are harvested from the brain in vitro a la the MAN WITH TWO BRAINS.
“Janik woke and through blurry eyes took note of his unusual circumstances. The light was unbearable. Sweat ran down his bare chest and there were restraints on his arms and legs.
“Where- Where am I?”
I think that you could better convey fear and panic by tightening it up a little like this.
“Janik woke. The light was unbearable. Sweat ran down his bare chest and there were restraints on his arms and legs.
“Where- Where am I?”
Next thought:
“What am I doing here?” he demanded.
“Your cerebral impulses are being harvested to implant into a Dark Brain.’”
The way the man answers Janik's question doesn’t feel natural. It might make more sense if he’s talking around Janik. Most doctors (whether they are planning on harvesting your cerebral impulses or not) tend to talk around a pre-op or post-op patients. So you might be able to reveal the information that way. It’s just an idea. I am curious about the dark brain so you’ve certainly caught my interest