Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Red Wolf Moon revised

This is topic Red Wolf Moon revised in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by philipmcclelland (Member # 8494) on :

Hi all, I'm starting my short story in a new place to pick up the action faster. Thanks for the feedback.

Tommy leaned into the red glow of the motel’s soda machine and deposited his change. The crimson light washed over his face, giving Tommy’s skin the appearance of baked flesh, bloodied and tortured from the sun.
Tommy greedily guzzled down the syrupy bliss. Sighing with relief Tommy quickly purchased three more cans of soda, two for later, and popped the top on the third. He thought back to his car spewing white smoke into the Nevada desert air and the blistering walk down the 15 to this god-forsaken town.
Absently, Tommy looked up and saw a corkboard labeled Community Events. Plastered across the cork were identical bright red flyers declaring Howl at the moon festival, tonight!!! Tommy reached up and plucked one of the flyers from its nest,

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 06, 2009).]

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

Just thought I'd let you know a few things that occurred to me while reading this.

"Tommy leaned into the red glow of the motel’s soda machine and deposited his change."

My initial image when I read this was that he was leaning back against it. You might want to consider adding the word "forward" to this sentence, or some other type of clarification. Might just be superpowers of misperception, though

"bloodied and tortured from the sun."

I think this might work better as "bloodied and tortured by the sun."

"Tommy greedily guzzled down the syrupy bliss."

Nothing wrong with this sentence, however he went directly from depositing his change to drinking the soda, and I sort of felt like I'd stepped through a time warp. Not necessarily a big deal, but just something to be aware of.

I think god-forsaken is usually used with a capital "G". If it was more inkeeping with the story to leave it lowercase, or if you just did so on a whim of capricious blasphemy, then disregard the previous sentence.

Howl at the moon festival

I think this might work better with a tad more capitalization, i.e. "Howl at the Moon Festival" or possibly "Howl at the Moon festival". I would personally go for the first alternative, but that's just me.

I believe drop dead usually contains a dash, i.e. "drop-dead".

My favorite part was the line about his face being bloodied and tortured from/by the sun. This kind of reminded me of Roland the Gunslinger and the Preacher comics and an episode of the Twilight Zone all at once. Which is a good thing

Hope I've been able to provide some assistance. Keep up the good work.

Best regards,

Brant

Posted by philipmcclelland (Member # 8494) on :

Thanks Brant. Here's with the changes.

Tommy leaned his face into the red glow of the motel’s soda machine and deposited his change. The crimson light washed over his face, giving Tommy’s skin the appearance of baked flesh, bloodied and tortured by the sun.
Fumbling with the tab Tommy greedily guzzled down the syrupy bliss. Sighing with relief Tommy quickly purchased three more cans of soda, two for later, and popped the top on the third. He thought back to his car spewing white smoke into the Nevada desert air and the blistering walk down the 15 to this God-forsaken town.
Absently, Tommy looked up and saw a corkboard labeled Community Events. Plastered across the cork were identical bright red flyers declaring, Howl at the Moon Festival,

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 07, 2009).]

Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :

The "red" in this first line is weak in comparison to the "crimson" in the second. You seem to be using both references to red as guides to the same image, so removing "red" might improve both lines.

I'm struggling with "the appearance of baked flesh, bloodied and tortured by the sun." I don't think of a baked item as bloody. Also, I don't understand how red light will create a tortured image, unless shadows are mingling with the light or unless the particular face's elements (shape, wrinkles, etc.) contribute. Perhaps you could add to the description?

"Fumbling with the tab[,] Tommy greedily guzzled down the syrupy bliss." I like this.

"Sighing with relief Tommy quickly purchased three more cans of soda, two for later, and popped the top on the third." The use of "Tommy" in four consecutive sentences stresses the character's name over what he's doing. "He" attracts less attention.

"He thought back to his car spewing white smoke into the Nevada desert air and the blistering walk down the 15 to this God-forsaken town." I think you could bring Tommy more sympathy by emphasizing the walk. My suggestion: rewrite to avoid "and".

"Absently, Tommy looked up and saw a corkboard labeled Community Events. Plastered across the cork were identical bright red flyers declaring, Howl at the Moon Festival," I'm unsure whether or not the label and title are supposed to be in quotes. Otherwise, these lines are fine.

There's a definite hook here, once the language is clean.

~Ann

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Tommy leaned his face into the red glow of the motel’s soda machine and deposited his change. The crimson light washed over his face, giving Tommy’s skin the appearance of baked flesh, bloodied and tortured by the sun. I'd suggest rewriting to get rid of "face". In fact, it's all pretty wordy.
Fumbling with the tab Tommy greedily guzzled down the syrupy bliss. Use of a participle (fumbling) with a verb (guzzled) suggests concurrent action, that is, he's actually fumbling with the tab as he's guzzling, hard to do, if you think about ti.Sighing with relief Tommy quickly purchased three more cans of soda, two for later, and popped the top on the third. He thought back to his car spewing white smoke into the Nevada desert air and the blistering walk down the 15 to this God-forsaken town. This seems like kind of a non-thought to me. Is he just picturing the car moving down the highway? Maybe something more personal would work better--otherwise, it just sounds like an excuse to slip in info.
Absently, Tommy looked up and saw a corkboard labeled Community Events. Plastered across the cork were identical bright red flyers declaring, Howl at the Moon Festival,

[b]I like the ambiguity about Tommy; we're unclear whether he's a werewolf or he's about to get mixed up in werewolf ilk. I'd probably turn the page.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I tend to consider the 'screaming down a desert highway' opening a new cliche and I don't typically like werewolf stories, but I think this was pretty well written and I would consider it. I would turn the page that is.