Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Slice of Conscience.

This is topic Slice of Conscience. in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

End of the world short story, less than 2500 words (barely) Reading this, would you read more? Thanks

“So tell me Kubric, when did you see your parents last?” The Gray sat across my mother’s spotless kitchen table from me. The cheap polyester suit, worn to shininess on the backside, squeaked against the vinyl seats of the dinette.

I tried not to laugh. The Grays weren’t much for comedy, and when you had “Dominator of Worlds” at the top of your resume, it didn’t leave much room for comedy at the bottom. So, I took a deep breath in an attempt to choke off the giggles. He’d just as soon put a slug between my eyes rather than put up with it. Humanity was only so much more dead meat to them; and I wasn’t ready to be laid out for the flies, or the ants, for that matter. At least not yet.

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited March 06, 2009).]

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

By "Gray" are you meaning the little grey aliens so often reported in abductions? You give so little description and that was what popped into my mind at the mention.

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

The end of the world? My favorite holiday!

The phrase "worn to shininess" seemed a bit awkward to me, but that might just be me.

The hooks for me were the phrase "Dominator of Worlds" and the lines about humanity as dead meat and being laid out for the flies and the ants. (I'm morbid, I know)

Keep up the good work.

Brant

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 06, 2009).]

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

quote:
By "Gray" are you meaning the little grey aliens so often reported in abductions?

Yep, one and the same. Good to see that little trick worked...

quote:
The end of the world? My favorite holiday!

It only comes around once, you know...

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited March 06, 2009).]

Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :

I really liked the tone of this opening, and the imagery. The only part that jumped out at me as extraneous was "The Grays weren’t much for comedy, and". Cutting this small bit would sharpen up the second paragraph, IMO.

Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :

I like the tone.

“The cheap polyester suit” read awkwardly, for me, because it lacked an owner. I guess you are trying to avoid pinning a gender on the Gray. Maybe, “The pants of its cheap polyester suit...”?

Repetition of 'comedy' in the 2nd paragraph makes the humor sound a little labored. CL Lynn's suggestion would fix that nicely. “He’d just as soon put a slug between my eyes...”, is really just repetition of what you say next. You might like to consider deleting it.

I'd read on to see where this was going.

[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited March 08, 2009).]