Hatrack River Writers Workshop: No Title Yet, SciFi, WIP

This is topic No Title Yet, SciFi, WIP in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Thanks for reading. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

quote:
Eva traced a finger over the scar that ran in a straight line from the top of her breastbone to her naval. It was only one of many that covered her entire body.
She did not remember the wild dog attack that nearly killed her thirteen years ago but the scars were a constant reminder of how dangerous the wastes were for a child.
“Ms. Eva, are you okay?” the robotic voice of Jill came from a few feet away where Eva’s father was repairing her. “You seem troubled.”
Eva pulled a tattered blouse over her head and then smiled at Jill. “I’m fine,” she said. Jill could offer no smile in return. Like all of the robots and cyborg’s that helped run the farm, her skin had been removed. Father had always insisted on this.

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

I like it, you have a nice opening that I'd like to read more of. Keep me in mind when it is finished if you need a reader.

The only quibble I have, is that this beginning could use some tightening.

How about this for an opening paragraph. I moved what hooked me to the forefront...

The wastes were a dangerous place for a child. Even though Eva could not remember it, scars crisscrossed her body from a wild dog attack that happened thrirteen years ago. Eva traced such a scar running the length of her torso from collarbone to navel.

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited March 01, 2009).]

Posted by AmieeRock (Member # 8393) on :

Cyborg's shouldn't have an apostrophy. Really good opening. My interest is piqued.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

I really like this and the only thing I had issue with was the cause of this very long scar. As a scar collector myself, I can't imagine how a feral dog could cause a scar which ran brom breast to navel.

Otherwise I would turn the page with gusto

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

"She did not remember the wild dog attack that nearly killed her thirteen years ago but the scars were a constant reminder of how dangerous the wastes were for a child."

I think this might read better with the word "had" between that and nearly killed, i.e. "She did not remember the wild dog attack that had nearly killed her thirteen years ago, but the scars were a constant reminder of how dangerous the wastes were for a child."

“Ms. Eva, are you okay?” the robotic voice of Jill came from a few feet away where Eva’s father was repairing her. “You seem troubled.”

Didn't have a problem with this paragraph, just thought I'd point out that, if you're going to be using the word robot frequently throughout this piece, it might be preferable to use a different adjective than "robotic" here, maybe metallic or somesuch. I think the fact that Jill's identified as a robot quickly enough in the next paragraph would make it OK to make the change, if you chose to do so.

Random musing: Could capitalize "Wastes" if they're an important enough setting in the piece, or give them a spiffy name.

I think the breast-to-naval scar from the feral dog attack could probably be explained with just a little creativity, if you were so inclined. Wasn't a problem for me, but Bent Tree's obviously had a little more experience than I have, so I'd defer to him on this matter and add some further explanation.

I agree that the line about the robots and cyborgs having their skin removed is a great hook. I'd love to see it depicted graphically. If you're into gore, that is. The dangerous wastes are pretty damn intriguing, too.

Anyways, hopefully you'll find something in my ramblings to help you out or inspire you. Keep up the good work.

Best regards,

Brant

Posted by AWSullivan (Member # 8059) on :

Thanks everyone who replied. I actually forgot I posted this here. It was a pleasant surprise to see some responses.

The scars play into the story so the unlikeliness of a dog creating them is intentional.

I should be wrapping this piece up today. Anyone willing to read would be much appreciated.

Anthony

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

You may be nearly done, but one last comment. I was distracted by the wastes being dangerous for a child.

If there aren't any children in the story, I would suggest deleting the 'for a child'. Feral dogs are dangerous for anybody if they roam in packs.

That's just a nit. I thought the beginning was low key, but had enough conflict potential to keep me reading.

- Owasm