[This message has been edited by skadder (edited February 22, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 23, 2009).]
I'm curious! I like that you have these guys being Spanish, too. It seems like everybody (myself included) goes for a more English/Scottish/Irish-oriented set of characters, so it makes a nice change.
Some little nits: you have two "screamed"s that seem to come almost back to back and it diminished the impact of the second one for me. I think you might be able to eliminate the first one entirely. Just have "Sebastian!" and then go straight into his action tag "Cristian pelted across ...."
Also, I wouldn't think the clouds could shield Cristian from the enemy guns, just the enemy's gaze/eyes/sights/whatever.
Depending on what your setting is (I'm guessing 17th/18th c. on the assumption you're going for a historical setting), I think common sailors usually can't swim. So the signal I get from that last thing is that Crisitian isn't just another sailor. Which is fine, just wanted to let you know that's what I read into it.
I'd definitely keep reading. :-)
quote:
“Sebastian,” Cristian screamed and pelted across the wet deck of La Concepcion to his friend, who lay twitching in a slick of blood.
An opportunity the eliminate a speech tag. Kitti is correct about the 'scream' echo. This is easy to get rid of. I also think this would be better breaking this up into three sentences
quote:
"Sebastian!" Cristian pelted across the wet deck of the La Concepcion. Sebastion lay twisting in a slick of his own blood.
quote:
Swirling clouds of gun-smoke shrouded the moon-lit deck for a moment, shielding Cristain from the enemy guns.
Nearby, a seaman screamed as the deck was raked with shot and his body shredded by musket balls.
This I liked. Very vivid. Don't have a problem of figuring out where and when we are at.
quote:
Cristian grabbed Sebastian's shoulder and pulled him onto his back.
I'd change 'pulled' to 'rolled'. A small thing but a clearer meaning.
Excellent work. You have me curious what cristian will find on the island. You do like to put your characters in historical settings but you always have a twist for them. Zombies, aliens, stone gods that come to life... something.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited February 22, 2009).]
I agree about the 'screams'. I didn't notice it.
The year is 1702, a small sea engagement between stray elements of the Spanish Navy (though historically they are all locked up in the Port of Vigo) and the British Fleet.
I am not certain if all (by all I don't mean all) sailors couldn't swim. English sailors usually couldn't, but a Spanish sailor, who grew up on the coast (let's face it they do get better weather) might.
'Rolled'--yes.
And, yes, Frank...things go 'genre' fairly soon. I didn't want to do it immediately as it felt crammed in, so I opted to set the scene.