quote:
“I was the first human to find and go through a Changegate." I stopped the replay on my recorder and sat it down. My voice sounded so inhuman it was no longer recognizable. I sat back on my haunches and reordered my recollections of the last two moons. A tick crawled across my muzzle. I pinched it's blood-fattened body between my talons and tossed it into my mouth. My own blood is tasty to me. I lifted a hind leg and scratched at the persistent fleas on my neck that tortured me.] Time for another mud-soak. Dawn brought on a renewed sense of hunger. The little rabbit-frog herbivores had dodged my stalking and lunging during the night. I had the instincts but lacked the grace of the form the gate changed me into. The Combined Fleet must
[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 12, 2009).]
quote:
“I was the first human to find and go through a Changegate."
quote:
I sat back on my haunches and reordered my recollections of the last two moons.
quote:
My own blood is tasty to me. I lifted a hind leg and scratched at the persistent fleas on my neck that tortured me.] Time for another mud-soak.
quote:
I had the instincts of this form the gate changed me into, but not it's grace.
Lastly, this sentence also took me out of the story a bit because it read as awkward.
I might say: Whatever form the gate changed me into, I would get its instincts, but not its grace or skill.
Overall, very good story and premise, and the majority of what I listed is probably personal preference.
Keep up the good work.
~Christian
I'm thinking - ok...what's happened here? I wanted to know MORE NOW.
"...reordered my recollections of the last two moons."
Personally, I liked this. 1) to two 'r' words sort of roll off the tongue as I read them aloud and in my mind. 2) using the time reference "two moons" gives recollections a resonation to the word "reflections" - at least as my mind plays with words and sounds.
"My own blood is tasty to me."
Erm, ok. Good way to grab me by the eyeballs again and want more. why, Why, WHY!?
"I had the instincts of this form the gate changed me into, but not it's grace. "
Now I want to know more about what he changed into here. I also find myself wondering "Can he go back through? And will it change him back?"
Just my thoughts.
-John
“I was the first human to find and go through a Changegate."
My initial thought was that "discover and pass through a Changegate", or something similar, might work a little better than "find and go through", but not a big deal.
I stopped the replay on my recorder and sat it down.
Maybe something akin to "replay feature" or just "pressed the stop button" would be smoother.
The little rabbit-frog herbivores had dodged my stalking and lunging during the night.
My first thought was that "stalkings and lungings" might sound better, but not a big deal.
I had the instincts of this form the gate changed me into, but not it's grace.
This sentence reads awkwardly and can probably be improved.
Just a few impressions I had. Maybe they can help you out. Excellent work so far. All the best,
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 12, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 12, 2009).]
