First fair warning. I meant this story to be magical realism, but it ended up light on the magic and heavy on the realism to the point where it's really just regular fiction.
Second, in a well-meaning-but-probably-futile attempt to win back a few of the readers I just lost: the present tense introduction lasts less than a page. Honest.
The piece weighs in at about 6,000 words and I would welcome comments on the 1st 13 as well as the ever-popular critique of the whole story.
quote: “I saw this and thought of you”
A clipping torn from a magazine, stapled to a photo, falls from a battered land-mail envelope posted in Belgium three months ago. There is no return address, though the sprawling handwriting is unmistakably Bettina's and hasn't changed in the twenty-odd years of our correspondence.
I push my chair back from the breakfast table and sweep the breadcrumbs clear. The morning paper is folded and set aside as I study the column of glossy text and note that this time, at least, she has remembered to send me something written in English.
“A gateway to the sun,” is how professor Symchra Shapiro of the Tel Aviv Institute for Astrophysics describes
[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited February 10, 2009).]
Posted by Christian (Member # 7825) on :
Hey Toby, I think I remember reading this in another version. Better this time around, especially with the the explanation. I can't say if it hooks, but giving what I remember from what you posted last time, I'd read on to see what happens. I think this is a magical homicide detective or something? Or a witch mailing a letter to someone who doesn't understand vampires? Ah, yeah! It's a vampire! A vampire who walks in the sun?
Honestly, I'd have to see more. Other than the tense, I really see no problem, but I can't say there is a hook.
Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :
Send it over.
Tracy
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
Nice intro. I think that the moment of incitement was captured perfectly and the prose is spot on. I would definately read on and would be glad to give this a look if you aren't in a hurry.
Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :
Christian, you've confused me. This is new. And the solar vampires... that was going to be for the next story
Thanks Tracy and Scott.
Posted by Christian (Member # 7825) on :
...oops. ;o Sorry bout that....
Please disregard. This never happened....
Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :
I'll read. Hopefully I can get to it early next week. If that's okay?
