Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Return of General Nurg / "Rhinoplasty" series / 1000 word sci fi looking for readers

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Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

Hi guys

I am looking for readers and comments on first 13 lines//does it hook? would you read on? ver 2 /

quote:
General Nurg danced his happy dance, buckling the thick steel beneath his hind hoof-feet. They'd caught the humans unaware. Birdy and her five young egrets sent up a raucous chorus of squawks and croons near his left ear. He didn't mind, at the moment he was so happy they could all defecate on him if they wanted to. Well, maybe not that happy.
He stood behind the pilot and gunner/bombardier in his personal jump ship as they made another pass over the base. There were at least four of the humans nasty little fighters burning on the tarmac. He continued to dance as they took out their hangar on the next pass.
“You seesss that Kalan, we caughtsss them!”
“I seesss four shipssss. Where are the otherssss?” he replied

[This message has been edited by honu (edited February 10, 2009).]

Posted by Garlic Coachman (Member # 8432) on :

Aloha,

Back to the series I see. They are getting to be old friends. It hooked me. I do have to add that when I read the dialog I was "hearing" something similar to "my precioussss".

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

LOL never really thought of that....I had something more like a deep raspy lisp in mind. I sort of picture the rhinos as bi-pedal beasts having a passing resemblance to the rhino warriors in the "Kung Fu Panda" movie. These are bigger, meaner, warty and their rhino muzzle beaks are more rigid than rhinos from earth. Good point, though. These guys would make short work of Smeagol....golum , golum......

Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :

Very smooth, very lively, very entertaining. I kept picturing Bebop and Rocksteady from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for some reason.

Just a few misspellings and/or typos I noticed:

bombadier should be bombardier

hanger should be hangar

Assuming jump ship is a creation of yours, it might work better as jump-ship or jumpship.

"Birdy and her five young egrets set up a raucous chorus of squawks and croons near his left ear."

Is it possible you meant "sent up a raucous chorus" instead of "set up a raucous chorus"

Excellent start. I'd read on. I've enjoyed this entire series, although I haven't always had the time to comment on it. Keep up the great work,

Brant

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited February 10, 2009).]

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

thanks garlic and brant!

Posted by Christian (Member # 7825) on :

Hey Honu, this typically isn't my genre but I liked the read. The only comments I would make are change "humans" to "humans'" since it's used in its plural possessive form here (...the humans' hangar). And I have to agree with whoever made the "Beebop and Rocksteady" comment--
<internal monologue> I haven't thought of those guys in over a decade, Christian thinks fondly. We know return you to your regularly scheduled comments (already in Progress).

I think the triple "sss" was a bit much. A single 's' might read better, and not invoke the golum clause.

I think your story jumped right into the action and right into the MCs head. We knew he was bombing human hangars and loving it. Good job. I would definitely have read on.