A man they call Alpha taps the palm of his hand with cattle prod, “Have you had enough, Lieutenant?” he says. Blood and sweat are dripping from the Lieutenant’s face as he stares at his feet, drowned to the ankles in salty water. “Well, Mr. Bandy, you have made it this far. Let’s see how much further you can go.” Alpha takes the cattle prod and digs it deep into the Bandy’s neck. He jolts as he feels five thousand volts turn his once steady heart into a twittering mess of muscle contractions. He leans forward and screams at the top of his lungs. His breath begins to fail him and he pants to regain it. “You are tougher than you appear, Mr. Bandy. Take him back, we’ll get what we need from the other.” Bandy wasn’t aware that there was another.
Posted by Nick T (Member # 8052) on :
Howdy Saint Bob,
Present tense is quite an unusual choice for a short story and many people find it tough to read. It's a risk to use it, though it can work. There's some nice description and writing here, but I'll flag a couple of things that may work against you.
[quote] A man they call Alpha... [\quote]
Why not just call him Alpha?
If we're going to be in Mr Bandy's POV, I'd generally stick to referring to him the way he'd think of himself, i.e. if he thinks of himself as, say, Dave, then it should be "Blood and sweat are dripping from Dave's face..." etc.
Another risk that you should be aware of is that tortune scenes are difficult for many people to read, irregardless of how briefly they are touched upon. Do you need to include it? Furthermore, is this scene the right starting point? After all, you can always describe him [i]after[/i[] the torture if it gets you closer to the true point of conflict. Right now, I don't know where this story is going to go or why. Some clue would help hook me that little bit more,
Cheers,
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited February 05, 2009).]
Posted by Garlic Coachman (Member # 8432) on :
Hello,
I can not tell from your 13 what sort of service that LT Bandy is in but if he is Army, he wouldn't be called Mr. That is how a Warrent Officer is addressed. However, I am guessing he isn't.
Posted by Toby Western (Member # 7841) on :
Afraid the present tense plus Omi PoV doesn't give much to latch on to. Starting with a torture scene adds a certain intensity, but as it stands, I'm non too sure whether I should be hoping that the torturer gets the filthy rebel to fess up, or urging the gallant freedom fighter to keep his lips sealed.
Still, an interesting and challenging approach - good luck with it.