The slight chill of the lukewarm atmosphere grazed Harold Brumley as he exited his climate controlled dormitory. The wind ruffled his thinning hair and the t-shirt covering his protruding belly. The weather had turned; he could feel it in his hands. He noticed most things with his hands. His sight and hearing could be fooled, but not his hands. They were honest. The leaves were still a rich green, but his hands’ cracking skin and aching bones told him that fall had begun today. Brumley continued down the dirt path toward the nourishment hall of Wellness Camp 44. He passed the same trees, the same grass, and the same horseshoe pit every day. It had been his routine for the last two months. With any luck he would be back
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I'm intrigued by the line about his hands being honest. For that, i would probably read on. I'm expecting something to change in his life soon, though, say in the next paragraph. Because the story hasn't really started yet.
The first sentence really threw me. The juxtaposition of the "slight chill" and the "lukewarm atmosphere" did not work for me and took way too long for me to experience.
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
I like it//it probably isn't my normal read but your contrast between what aging (I envisoned arthritic hands) and the green leaves hooked me I would read on Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :
------- The slight chill of the lukewarm atmosphere I agree with adamantly with annepin on this one, I think slight chill and lukewarm throw this oxymoronic; I think it will turn off many readers I would cut out "lukewarm" and i think it would read way better! grazed Harold Brumley as he exited his climate controlled dormitory. The wind ruffled his thinning hair and the t-shirt covering his protruding belly. The weather had turned; he could feel it in his hands. He noticed most things with his hands. His sight and hearing could be fooled, but not his hands. I think this is excellent writing, I would lose the sentence"He noticed most things with his hands" and jump right to the next sentence They were honest.this seems to lead to something in the future of the story? honest hands can conjure up many possibilities- innocent hands? free of guilt? etc. I likey! The leaves were still a rich green, but his hands’ cracking skin and aching bones told him that fall had begun today. have you thought of putting an action in here? maybe have Harold flex his hands and feel the rough cracks of his hands and the ache of the bones? Brumley continued we didn't know of this path or him starting on it, may not want to say continued- maybe "started" down the dirt path toward the nourishment hall of Wellness Camp 44 should nourishment hall be capitalized? for some reason I think it should, i could be wrong though . He passed the same trees, the same grass, and the same horseshoe pit every day. It had been his routine for the last two months. With any luck he would be back ------
for me the hook is subtle - Harold hands, and, Harold himself. I feel like these lines do a great job of connecting the reader to the character. I must say though that the lukewarm chill is a throw off and is ruining the rest of this great bit. I wouldn't mind reading, but might take me a while to get back to you.
Posted by alan1701 (Member # 9186) on :
Thanks for all the tips! I'll be posting the updated version shortly.
Posted by alan1701 (Member # 9186) on :
Updated:
The cool October air grazed Harold Brumley as he exited his climate controlled dormitory. The wind ruffled his thinning hair and the t-shirt covering his protruding belly. The weather had turned; he could feel it in his hands. His sight and hearing could be fooled, but not his hands. They were honest. The leaves were still a rich green, but his hands’ cracking skin and aching bones told him that fall had begun today.
Brumley started down the dirt path toward the nourishment hall of Wellness Camp 44. He passed the same trees, the same grass, and the same horseshoe pit every day. It had been his routine for the last two months. With any luck he would be back home before another had passed. He would have to pick up his pace, but it could be done. After the horseshoe pit, he looked
Posted by kathyton (Member # 7780) on :
I agree that the man himself is your hook -- feeling the season change in his hands is a great detail -- true yet still startling enough to grab attention. And it flows from the main thing the story wants us to know about him at this point, that he is an older gentleman with some health issues. The desire to go home is a good addition to the opening -- it lets the reader in on the story's direction. And we like the man, and want to see him succeed, and are curious about if and how he's going to do that.
If you are looking for readers for the entire piece, please send it along. I'd enjoy looking at it. K---
Posted by Jojiro (Member # 8429) on :
"The weather had turned; he could feel it in his hands. His sight and hearing could be fooled, but not his hands."
-Slight repitition with "his" and "he" now that you got rid of the line in between. Adding a transition word like "although" and and replacing one of the "his" with "Brumley's" would be nice.
I'd love to read the rest. This really interests me with its familiarity.
