Hatrack River Writers Workshop: I Hate Spiders / sci-fi short story / first 13 lines

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Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

this story is a prequel I'm doing for my "Rhinoplasty" series/// it is 900 words and begging readers

//does it hook? would you read on? ver 1 /

quote:
The tarantula movie I saw when I was five years old soured me on spiders forever. When Earth's first encounter with an alien race turned into a battle against the spider-like Tarans, I was one of the first to enlist.
Yep, they're big, hairy spiders that use tools. It would take some doing for me to change my way of thinking too.
Dad had me in a crop duster as soon as I could see over the cockpit or I would've enlisted as a grunt. Spider food. When I told the recruiter of my flying experience they crash-coursed me on a Wasp, one of our new, ultra manueverable, fighters.
Clever name, Wasp. They named it for the Tarantula Hawk Wasp. You know, the one that stings tarantulas and

ver 2 /

quote:
My first sortie. We dropped from a Wasp carrier to a Taran colony world. Taran Four. We expected heavy resistance.
They met us as soon as we dropped through the atmosphere. Their ships were bigger, faster, more heavily armored, and more numerous than ours. Our ships had better guns and were more maneuverable.
Our formation was busted like a falcon hitting a flock of pigeons. It quickly became a one-on-one free-for-all. I had two kills before I took my first hits.
The Taran on my six was good. Every jink I took he corrected for. It was only a matter of time. I saw a long shot in another Taran that crossed in front of me.

[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 22, 2009).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Not so hooked. Guy hates spiders. Spiders are invading Earth. What we get though is a great deal of back story which wasn't all that interesting to me. It feels, well, familiar, I guess.

Posted by alan1701 (Member # 9186) on :

Not hooked. Everything seems to hinge on the spider thing and it just doesn't work for me.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

spiders aside for a minute//// it seems to have too much backstory for a beginning ///thanks

[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 22, 2009).]

Posted by EP Kaplan (Member # 5688) on :

Now it feels like a sped-up version of Starship Troopers.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

ditto.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

And that my friends is why 13 lines doesn't always give one a great feel for the story/// The offer stands for readers (its a 900 word flash)///It is QUITE a bit different than Starship Troopers/// Though I admit I am quite a fan of Heinlein

I think (and only because I know it differs so much) I will accept the comments at face value////it feels like Heinlein/// that might not be such a bad thing//// thanks again EP Kaplan and annepin/// this is one of five stories I have so far in my Rhinoplasty series

[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 22, 2009).]

Posted by Gan (Member # 8405) on :

I like the second version a lot more. Though, this line really bothers me:

" Our formation was busted like a falcon hitting a flock of pigeons."

The analogy doesn't really do it for me. Nor does the verb "Busted". Could just be personal preference, though.

Keep it up, I thought it was interesting. If its indeed 900 words, feel free to mail it. May take me a bit to get to, but I'll find the time eventually.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

Maybe that simile would work better for you if you'd actually seen a falcon hit a flock of pigeons (or in my case it was a kestrel hitting a flock of sparrows--BAM! EXPLODE/SCATTER!).