Jared was bored, as usual. He sat on the railing between the main engines, leaned on the locker to his left and repeatedly banged his head against it. He had joined the fleet five years before with hopes and aspirations of maybe one day traveling to a distant star. Of the 36 men that he entered the service with only 10 completed the brutal training program and reported to the fleet. Of those ten only five successfully completed the qualifications to operate the propulsion plant. And now, all he regularly operated was the coffee pot on a patrol boat just outside of Pluto's orbit. His job was to be ready to operate the plant. This did not provide the excitement he had anticipated. Fortunately, for everyone on board, he was ready when the unknown craft was detected.XXHooked/Good/Bad/ Voice/POV
[This message has been edited by tgwharton (edited January 19, 2009).]
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
hiyas tgwharton sorta hooked, though most is back story// feel some sympathy for your MC the last sentence about the unknown craft promises a page turn hope this helps Posted by tgwharton (Member # 8430) on :
Thanks, for your reply. Is background at this point a bad thing? It seems right to set up for the story line.
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
some would like more action and less backstory right off the bat///for this kinda story, this works for me but get other opinions ///
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
I think the backstory is overkill at this point. It can be worked into the story in pieces if it is truly vital to the plot.
Starting off with "Jared was bored" is not the strongest opening line. No need to tell me that -- go ahead and show it (again only if it is relevant) which you started to do in the second line. I'd question whether it is really needed.
I'm confused a little -- if he is on a patrol "boat" (do you really want to use that term?) outside Pluto's orbit, is the craft just sitting in space, not moving? If it's stationary it doesn't do much patrolling and if it's moving then wouldn't the propulsion plant be operating already?
sorta hooked, though most is back story// feel some sympathy for your MC