quote:
In silence so profound it was a noise unto itself, the scratching of chalk against stone seemed to echo into infinity. The city of Ein, built into the side of a mountain, looked mournfully out at the sleeping sea and drifted off into oblivion.“There.”
Aeon stood and let go of the chalk in his hands. The white stick turned sickly yellow the moment his fingers relinquished their touch and it hung in the air, still, unmoving. A white cat walked up to him. Two long, thin tails ending in arrow-shaped points swung languidly side to side in the air. Though its pure black eyes had no pupils, Aeon knew it stared straight at him, unfazed by the yellow that stole and crept into every
For the actual 13 lines, I was wondering if I maybe used too much description and not enough action. I looked at the discussion on the level of detail needed in a story but would like some feedback on how that pertains to my writing.
Please tell me what you think.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 15, 2009).]
The simplest definition is that an adverb a word that modifies a verb. For example:
quote:
...looked mournfully...
The verb is looked and the adverb is mournfully.
The rule of thumb is that if you have to use an adverb, it means that you probably haven't chosen a strong enough verb. You can get away with adverbs a little bit more in mass market YA, but I think it's better writing to avoid them regardless of genre.
My comment on this piece is that it's slightly overwritten. There's good intrigue (what is Aeon doing?), but I personally prefer a nice simple start. The writing can get denser once you've won us over.
Nick
Also, thanks for the comment about how the intro is overwritten. I agree and I'll take that into consideration. Thank you for your comment.
The city of Ein, built into the side of a mountain, looked mournfully out at the sleeping sea and drifted off into oblivion This would be a good point to show us a little of this city, does it have chimneys belching smoke? Towering spires? Telling us that this city is looking mournfully out to sea doesn't tell us anything about what we're supposed to be picturing. Also, how does a city drift off into oblivion? You mean everybody is going to sleep?
"There." With a first piece of dialogue I prefer a tag so I'm never in any doubt about what is happening.
Aeon stood and let go of the chalk in his hands. The white stick turned sickly yellow the moment his fingers relinquished their touch and it hung in the air, still, unmoving So he had a chalk stick in his hands? At first I thought it was just a lump chalk from the mountainside and then the next sentence made me pause.
I'd agree with the others that this is over-written and a little slow. I don't see any real hook here: some people are on a mountainside with a stick of chalk and a cat, not really a lot to keep me reading.
Having said that I'll crit the whole thing if you like
[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited January 15, 2009).]
I do have another question about adverbs though. Should they be avoided completely, or are a few allowed if they are used to emphasize a point?
[This message has been edited by Seraphiro (edited January 16, 2009).]
Like any writing rule, it can be broken and you can find critically and commercially successful writers who use adverbs all the time. However, cutting adverbs + verbs in favor of stronger verbs falls under the rule of "use as few words as possible to say what you need to say." Cutting them makes your writing tighter and cleaner.
I try cutting them wherever I can because I'm not a good enough writer to get away with including them. When I still have them it's because I can't think of a good enough verb to replace the weak verb + adverb.
regards,
Nick
. Here's what I thought.I am going to have an adverb rant. I know that 'ADVERBS ARE BAD!!' is a golden tenet of writing, and it's generally true. Adverbs often are weak words. But entirely valid words they are nonetheless, and cutting them out completely is riddiculous - it's like cutting off your little finger just because it's the weakest digit. Even the littlest finger has its uses. Find me one book that is COMPLETELY devoid of adverbs (ones like 'carefully', or 'quickly'). Point is, you just have to use them well and sparingly.
Having said that, 'languidly' is an awful, clunky word, and 'mournfully' is a textbook 'weak adverb'. I'd lose them both.
monstewer already caught your city drifting off into oblivion.
'a mountain' niggled at me a little bit. If it was important enough to house a great city, it seems like it'd have its own name. Or, if not, would be slightly less separated in the description: 'the mountain city of Ein' [poor example, but you get the idea].
'Though its pure black eyes had no pupils, Aeon knew it stared straight at him' - you don't have to see something's pupils to know you're being stared at.
I agree that it's slightly overwritten, but the main thing for me is the lack of hook. We have a city, some kind of magic-user, and a two-tailed cat that may or may not be related to a piece of chalk. There's only been one word of dialogue, and it's not written in the first person, so you're not drawing me in with an interesting main character either. The most interesting thing so far is the weird alien cat thing - I might read on a bit further to see what it does, but things would have to pick up fairly quickly.
Hope this helped,
Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited January 17, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited January 17, 2009).]
quote:
In silence so profound it was a noise unto itself,
quote:
the scratching of chalk against stone seemed to echo into infinity. The city of Ein, built into the side of a mountain, looked mournfully out at the sleeping sea and drifted off into oblivion.
I also agree with Bluephoenix, in that "a mountain" is odd. Surely you don't intend to tell us that Ein is built into the side of any mountain, do you? You don't have to tell us its name; "the mountain" would do to begin with.
quote:
“There.”Aeon stood and let go of the chalk in his hands.
Who said the word? I'm assuming Aeon did, and that he means to tell us that he's finished whatever he was doing. Writing? Drawing? Tagging? Again, we don't know, or why it matters to the story.
quote:
The white stick turned sickly yellow the moment his fingers relinquished their touch and it hung in the air, still, unmoving. A white cat walked up to him. Two long, thin tails ending in arrow-shaped points swung languidly side to side in the air. Though its pure black eyes had no pupils, Aeon knew it stared straight at him, unfazed by the yellow that stole and crept into every
All of these things have potential to arouse our curiosity; but you seem to have resolutely bypassed every opportunity to pique that curiosity, and continue blocking in the background of your canvas.
This is not a bad piece of writing overall. Yes, "less is more" is a good rule for adverbs; much more importantly, your own apprehension that this has too little action and too much description for a first 13 is a good one. There's just not much "hook" in it.
I suggest therefore that you rewrite the beginning to make it start with some real action. Don't lose the good description, but work it back in elsewhere.
Great stories of yore used to begin with a lot of scene-setting and description. These were written for generations both more literate than ours, and with fewer distractions to deal with. The fact is that those books did not have to compete in the present market; if they did, they might never have seen the light of day.
Which is a sad thought.
Ard-choille,
Rob Roy
Nick T, once again thanks for the clarification on adverbs.
To bluephoenix, thanks for your input on adverbs and hooks.
Rob Roy, thank you for telling me that I am writing too much to the old formula. I agree.
I'll put up a revised thirteen lines when I get the time to do it. Thanks again for the help everyone.
but I try not to use them much me own self