Excerpted from Body & Soul: The Journals of Theodore David Cohen, Ph.D

Akashamine was born, like many great and terrible ideas, over scotch aged too many years for men so few years wise. Unlike many whisky-and-poker ideas before it, the drug was the brainchild of Ph.Ds and doctoral candidates in fields as varied as organic chemistry, anthropology, and string theory. We never anticipated that our creation would make the games impossible.

It was poker night at Fred Leakey’s new apartment, the remnants of a tradition nearly a decade and a half old, harkening back to the days of middle school games. We played for stupid bets back then, trading cards and change from lunch money.
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It was an idea I had this past summer for a SF story, one I resolved to write this year and just got a good start on.
Looking for feedback on first 13.

[This message has been edited by EP Kaplan (edited January 03, 2009).]
 

quote:

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We never anticipated that our creation would make the games impossible.

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Great hook. I want to say it ought to be the first line, but it's your story so I won't.

The first two sentences were rather long for me, and it took me a while to realize that the "Akashamine" who was born was not a person, but a drug.

The hook and the second para have a cleaner, more engaging voice than the first two sentences.

Also, I have a personal prejudice against excerpts from journals because they're often turgid and add little to the story itself.

Finally, chapter one? How long is it?

Hope this helps,
Pat
 

I'm glad you liked that line. I added it after the fact, mostly because it felt like a good draw, but I'd be afraid to open with an emptyish line. Who is the 'we'? What creation, what games?
"We never thought discovering Akashamine would put an end, not just to friday poker night, but all the games in the world" or something might work, but it feels forced to me.

As for the journals, most of my early writing has consisted of letters, drafts, briefs, legal documents, lab reports and diaries of varying degrees of formality and journal entries/memoirs among the characters I'm toying with. I even played with the notion of doing the story in an entirely epistolary manner.

Ah, length. Good question. I'm conceiving it at around 60 pp, but if things get out of hand I'll resubmit it as a novel. Chapters would be divides between characters or major plot events, but if they feel awkward, I'll probably just revert back to scene breaks, maybe with unnumbered titles, like a Max Barry novel. I'm hoping this story stays in line, though. My novel became two books which are showing signs of wanting to be a quartet; my last "quick little short story" wound up at 53 pp...

[This message has been edited by EP Kaplan (edited January 03, 2009).]
 

[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 07, 2009).]
 

As with the others, I agree that the name and the complexity of the first two sentences detract from what's a nice set-up. You've got the intrigue going, just ease us into it.

I'm not a fan of journals, etc. either...my feeling is that they either detract from the main narrative or it becomes very hard to maintain creditability (i.e. would a journal be written in the way presented?). Anyway, it's a promising start and good hook.

Cheers,

Nick
 

Pat

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited January 08, 2009).]