Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled / Fantasy

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Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

This is something that has been crowding my mind of late. I have stalled on the last 2 scenes and thought I would throw up the first 13 and get thoughts and see if I can pull out of this funk and finish it this week. I expect it to be about 5,000 words when done.

“Don’t do it!” Jared slid to a stop, arm outstretched. “It doesn’t have to end this way, Liv.”

The young woman looked back. Gods she was beautiful, all in black, silhouetted against the purple sky, the tallest of the cypress trees rising behind her. She turned away and leaned over the railing, then looked to the soldier to her left, then the one to her right.

She was going to do it.

Lavender eyes sparked behind long lashes. She nodded. “Yes it does.” She feinted left, then went right ducking beneath the soldier’s sword. Grabbing him by the arm, she spun him into the path of the other soldier, stepped to the railing and leapt.

Jarad dove for her. “No!”

Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :

I like it. I didn't want it to end. Besides really enjoying it, the scene feels a little unclear. I have a hard time visualizing it. What's the railing for, is it a fence. What exactly is he trying to stop her from doing. Is he trying to stop her from going over the railing, or is going over the railing just her leaving to go and do something else. All these things I have no problem postoning knowing for a little while if the next couple sentences clear everything up. Nice job.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

I am not sure but this reads as if you slid from a 3rd person to a 1st person POV. Some of the wording made it confusing for me.
Another issue is how you started it. It was right in the center of the action but I feel too much is missing to establish a sharp hook.

[quote[“Don’t do it!” Jared slid to a stop, arm outstretched. “It doesn’t have to end this way, Liv.” [/quote]
Just what I am talking about. I can’t help to wonder… Don’t do what? Jared slid from where? I don’t know where they are at, why they are there, or what the problem is. Usually, a single question is a good a hook. Five or six in the first sentence sounds like too much work for me to figure out. Then there is the woman’s name, ‘Liv’. I didn’t know if you just missed a ‘e’ on the end of the name (It would have made the sentence read a lot different).

quote:
The young woman looked back.

Looked back at the MC or at something else?

quote:
Gods she was beautiful, all in black, silhouetted against the purple sky, the tallest of the cypress trees rising behind her.

Whose thoughts are these? Are they thoughts at all? If they are thoughts then the ‘was’ should be an ‘is’. If not axe the ‘Gods’.

quote:
She turned away and leaned over the railing, then looked to the soldier to her left, then the one to her right.

Too wordy. How about…
She leaned over the rail, keeping an eye each soldier at her flanks.
Okay, doesn’t read the same but I think you get the drift.

quote:
She was going to do it.

Italicize and change ‘she was’ to She’s.

quote:
She feinted left, then went right ducking beneath the soldier’s sword.

try…
She feint left, then ducked right beneath her attackers sword.

I think this would be better in a first person POV, as it is written. What I think it really needs is a bit of a backstory OR an earlier start. You have an exciting scene but it feels like I just missed the first ten minutes of a movie with what you got.

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

I quite liked this one. You have a nice hook, clear action and some nice, simple dialogue. Feel free to send it to me if you want when it's finished.

My only complaint would be I prefer "dived" to "dove", even if it is wrong

Posted by Khalan (Member # 5950) on :

I disagree with Snapper here regarding italics and changing the tense. The passage is deep 3rd person POV, so that isn't necessary. If you're going to start that deep in POV though, dialog might not be the best first line, but rather a thought in present tense and italics as Snapper suggests.

I think I agree with his quibble regarding what Liv is looking back at. On the other hand, I knew she was looking at Jared and I suspect everyone else does, too.

I don't think it works to have Jared shout and Liv respond right before she makes her move, though. The soldiers would have to be stone deaf or incredibly stupid not to grab her as soon as that exchange occurs. The way she telegraphs the move by looking at each of them doesn't help. They would definitely be on their guard.

My lesser quibble is the "spun him into the path of the other soldier". I think it works better to just say "spun him into the other soldier." "The path" suggest the guard has to move to reach her, while the action makes them seem like they're in close proximity.

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

Thanks all for your input.

monstewer I am running a little behind, I expect to finish this week then will get it out to you, thanks for the offer. It has grown, I hope that isnt a problem, I expect it around 8,000 words now.

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

No probs, I'll look forward to it