Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Perfect Plastic Posers

This is topic Perfect Plastic Posers in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by seacat (Member # 7957) on :

I finally finished this from so long ago. I am open to any suggestions to make the following a stronger hook. Any readers too.

Black Friday turned out to be very black indeed for Penelope Primrose. But not profitable. No, quite the contrary. Even though her boutique was just one block off of Union Square, and even though she had trained her Labradoodle, Poopsie, to sit in the display window behind the sign that announced the store’s name, “Poopsie’s Place”, in large purple and blue neon letters, and even though that day was the one after Thanksgiving—the one day of the year when EVERYONE SHOPS, the first day marking the Christmas Season—that Black Friday was a huge disappointment, because only two women wandered into her store. And they didn’t buy a thing.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

Hiyas.....penelope primrose?.....not sure which way you are going with this....there's nothing for me in first 13 lines that have me curious though...if you can cause some action in first few lines I might be inclined to read on...

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Hi Seacat,

Doesn’t hook me at this point but it could with a little work…

quote:
Black Friday turned out to be very black indeed for Penelope Primrose. But not profitable. No, quite the contrary.

This could be tighten with a little different choice of wording. The 2nd and 3rd sentence could, and should, be cut. Just a change in color should do the trick.

Black Friday turned out to be very blue for Penelope Primrose.

quote:
Even though her boutique was just one block off of Union Square, and even though she had trained her Labradoodle, Poopsie, to sit in the display window behind the sign that announced the store’s name, “Poopsie’s Place”, in large purple and blue neon letters, and even though that day was the one after Thanksgiving

Way too many even though’s in this sentence. A better way to empathize would be either italicizing or capitalizing the conjunctions. Some tightening here would help too.

quote:
Even though her boutique was just one block off of Union Square, AND she had trained her Labradoodle, Poopsie, to sit in the display window under the large purple and blue neon sign, Poopsie’s Place, AND it was the one day of the year when EVERYONE SHOPS – Black Friday proved to be a huge disappointment. Only two women wandered through the store, and they didn’t buy a thing.

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited December 09, 2008).]

Posted by seacat (Member # 7957) on :

Thanks to both of you. Yes, it does help. I was going for a parallel structure, where you repeat a phrase, but I can see it wasn't working for you in this case. It helps to put more action in the beginning and also to do a play on words with the color. Thanks so much!

Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :

While the writing here is pretty competent, I wouldn't go on with the story. The main character sounds insipid and tacky. Unless there's some other MC introduced soon, I'm not expecting to enjoy it.

You may want to think about that, if you don't have a particular angle for wanting a character that is that way.

Posted by seacat (Member # 7957) on :

Thanks for the info. It is just a light humorous horror story, and makes fun of the character, so one is not really supposed to like her. Still, I can see the problem here - if you don't like the character,then you wouldn't care about her, so you wouldn't be inclined to read the story. I appreciate your input, and it is a valid point. I suppose the challenge here is to somehow draw the reader in (which I was hoping to do with humor), but that is not happening in this case. Good to know!

Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :

I'm glad you see my point--I was a bit more terse than I needed to be.

I think you should explore whether the story should be from a different slant. Narrators who make fun of themselves can be lots of fun. Narrators who see the ridiculous in others are also fun. In this case, I'm afraid I'm going to be trapped in HER head for the duration.

Her poodle may be a fun POV, though. ^_^