This story is finished--but not. I have written it a few times, so there are various evolutions, none of which quite make it work. I am near completing another version, so really ready for readers. Otherwise, comments on the 13 lines, please.
revised:
The face of an angel and the body of a killer...
Tech Officer, Aaron Tanaka, looked away and shook his head, as though to remove its image from his mind. He glanced up again at the huge, combat android. It sat five feet away in a pool of red light at the other end of the ship's interview room. Its human face was painfully familiar to him--it was Lisa's.
Aaron opened an audio channel. "Do you have any idea why you're here, android?"
The android shook its head, the exact way Lisa had; the barest twitch of the head, followed by a questioning lift of the left eyebrow.
Damn it--why hadn't it chosen a man's face like the other
The above intros didn't serve the actual story too well and I so I need to start a little earlier on. Any thoughts on this new version would be great.
REVISED:
Tech Officer, Aaron Tanaka paused outside the The Moment of Clarity's android interrogation room. He wiped his sweaty palms against his navy-issue trousers. In the six-months he'd been on board the star-ship, this was the first time he’d had to come down to the armory section--usually a well-instructed drone could managed anything required. Not this time.
“Ship?” Aaron addressed the ship's main AI.
An avatar swirled into existence next to him. The life-size female holo was sheathed in delicate fabrics that rippled behind as though blown by a virtual wind.
“How--" Aaron said,distracted by the unnatural beauty of the ship’s avatar, "--er, safe am I going to be in there?”
The avatar glanced at the solid metal door and then back at Aaron. Her digital blue eyes glistened and highlights danced
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 21, 2008).]
Send it when you're ready if you'd like.
Pat
No, nits? I haven't had that before...
I will send when it is done; possibly a day or two.
Unfortunately, I just don’t have time before I go to look at the whole thing and I’m guessing that you’re not willing to wait two months…
I think I remember the early versions of this opening and I’m pretty sure you’ve fixed the problems. My only suggestion is to cut the opening line; it’s very pulpy (which doesn’t suit the tone of the story) and it doesn’t tell us anything vital which you can’t place elsewhere. We know that it’s using the face of a woman he knows. How important is it to explicitly state that she’s beautiful (I’m presuming that the protag has had a relationship with her in the past, so he would have thought she’s beautiful…I think that will do the trick)? Otherwise, this is a very good opening, it has a nice obvious hook.
Nick
I take your point on the opening line--although I am quite partial to it. I'll think about it a bit.
I do my best ;-)
It made me think of noir-style detective movies, which I'm guessing isn't the feel you were going for. As always, it's just my ill-considered opinion,
Nick
The face of an angel and the body of a killer... I like this line but...
The Moment of Clarity's Technical Officer, I found the presentation of his title to be, in contrast, quite jarring. It pulled me out of the story because we go from some intimate thought of his to a rather abstract distant view of his positionAaron Tanaka, shook his head in despair Lose the despair and shaking head bit, me thinks. Too dramatic. A lighter touch is better, considering the rest of the story. Let him be gripped with shock, let him break out in a sweat, let his blood sing through his veins, but shaking his head in despair is too much and, in my opinion, should pique the android's curiosity. Which it doesn't. Or maybe it does...?. He slumped in the hard chair and glanced up at the huge, motionless combat android lots of adjectives! stick to the salient ones, and I think you'll end up with a leaner, meaner opening. It sat five feet away in a pool of red light at the other end of the interview room. Its human face was just too familiar--it was the image of Lisa's Pare this down. Deliver it in as few words as possible for maximum impact.
Aaron opened an audio channel. "Do you have any idea why you're here?"
The android shook its head in a very Lisa-type gesture "very Lisa-type gesture" is kinda weak. Is there a way you can phrase this to deliver more punch?; the barest twitch of the head, followed by a questioning lift of its left eyebrow.
Damn the bloody thing--why hadn't it chosen a man's face like This is a pretty big contrast to "despair". Here, he's just pissy. This thought rings false to me, then, with the previous emotion.
Over all, very nice.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited November 17, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited November 17, 2008).]
Edited: geez, so many typos! must be the beer. *hic* 
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited November 17, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited November 17, 2008).]
revised:
The face of an angel and the body of a killer...
Tech Officer, Aaron Tanaka, looked away and shook his head, as though to remove its image from his mind. He glanced up again at the huge, combat android. It sat five feet away in a pool of red light at the other end of the ship's interview room. Its human face was painfully familiar to him--it was Lisa's.
Aaron opened an audio channel. "Do you have any idea why you're here, android?"
The android shook its head, the exact way Lisa had; the barest twitch of the head, followed by a questioning lift of the left eyebrow.
Damn it--why hadn't it chosen a man's face like like other
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 18, 2008).]
Pat
...why didn't it choose a male face like the others.
quote:
why didn't it choose a male face like the others.
So it wouldn't have to shave?
SEE ABOVE--1st POST.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 21, 2008).]
Adam
He wiped his sweaty palms against his navy-issue trousers.
Second sentence. I’m not sure why his palms are sweaty. Is it because he’s hot or nervous?
In the six-months he'd been on board the >star-ship< (one word, lose hyphen), this was the first time >he’d had<
“he had” or “he’d”
to come down to the armory section--usually a well-instructed drone could >managed< manage anything required. Not this time.
The life-size female holo was sheathed in delicate fabrics that rippled behind as though blown by a virtual wind.
what do you mean by ‘as though blown by a virtual wind’? Either drop ‘as though’ or ‘virtual’.
Aaron said,distracted by the unnatural beauty of the ship’s avatar,
Aaron has issues. He gets smitten by an android and an avatar?
The avatar glanced at the solid metal door and then back at Aaron.
This description makes it look like the avatar needed to think about the question. It’s the ships computer, shouldn’t it know the answer?
Your hook is getting less sharp on this piece. This feels like we were just dropped into this scene, like I switched the channel during the commercial on another show and came upon this. Your original idea, MC is interrogating an android, is the your best effort. You started right at the start of the grilling in those ones. This looks like you’re seeking a way to work in a backstory.
This is going to sound really hypocritical but watch it, too many critiques can have a negative influence.
As Aesop once said (I think it was him) You can’t make all of the people happy all of the time
Hope this helps!
The last version as pretty much the one I used.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 25, 2009).]
What a silly premise and ridiculous prose. Bury that thing deep, skadder and don't let anybody let it see the light of day.
Of the 4 reactions I give intros, this one definitely gets "I HAVE to read this." So send it to me. And I'm not going on vacation.
Both of the first two are flawless. The third is a little too artsy with the descriptions. A lot of people like that stuff, just personal taste. Also, I agree with snapper that it doesn't hint at a murderous android that has his lover's face. The human drama in the first two are your strong point. Seriously, of all crew members, the ship's tech officer doesn't know which areas of the ship are safe?
Protect that first sentence with all your might. I'm slightly partial to the first version because of the name of the ship. Has a poetic, singsongy ring to it.
I don't have a problem with the main character's long title. I actually like a miniinfo dump as long as it doesn't break my stride. Gets some important bio/background info out of the way and lets me concentrate on the story.
Despair one minute, anger the next. I think that's realistic of human emotion. I imagine he's unnerved too. I imagine a flood of emotions are running through him in that moment. Meanwhile, he needs to try to calm himself and set himself to the task, then notice how difficult it is not to experience a flood of emotions no matter how important and urgent the task.
Has a bit of a Caves of Steel flavor to it, but a famous story scenario doesn't bother me.