Hatrack River Writers Workshop: POMEGRANATE: A Casket of Seeds [Fantasy, 1600 words]

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Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

This is a little experimental in form. Perhaps it's more correctly prose poetry. The story itself is divided into twenty 'seeds'. Anyway, this needs some work, so let me know what you think. The form means it appears a little over thirteen lines, just because of spacing, but I entered it into the box, deleted the spaces between sections first, and then checked length. Then I re-inserted the spaces.

POMEGRANATE:
A Casket of Seeds

1.
Persephone knew sacrifice. She didn’t dilly-dally delay as she held the pomegranate, a sort of seeded wedding ring. This was her choice: prise it open and bite, or return to the field. The fruit seemed to suggest freedom.

2.
Persephone was a working girl. That is, she sowed and ploughed and garnered till her hands trembled and ached. Rosy garlands of hair became sweat-slicked. Fingernails became dirty. She used to love getting filth on her knees.

3.
The fruit was a beaded glory: a jewellery box glimmering like an open wound, bloody and red. The fruit was a lie.

4.
Hades wasn’t a god. Or rather, he wasn’t born that way. He was a singing slave boy whose voice shook the ground. One day he sang so high, so hard the earth cracked open its red-brown

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 10, 2008).]

Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :

I want to read the rest! This "story" feels like it has the potential to rip my heart out. The form, the word choice, the mood evoked, the Greek mythology, all would keep me reading.

Issues -- "dilly-dally delay"? A typo? "Delay" works better, in my opinion. More class, more formality to match the rest. Otherwise, my complaints are so nit-picky. I had a negative gut reaction to "Fingernails became dirty." I don't know why this stood out, perhaps b/c the wording seemed common, distant, when the rest is so poetic, and I couldn't *feel* the dirt under the fingernails; they were just dirty. The rest, gosh, loved it.

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

I like the prose, Baduizt. Typographically speaking, I'd like it better if the numbers were spelled out, less of an outline feeling to it. Do the numbers have meaning in the story?

I saw a shorter SF short story in a similar format on Baen. Some of the Baen slush readers admired the story, but I got the impression that the style was a non-starter. (It was more than just the typography, the story was in a reportage style.) Something to think about.

Just an impression, FWIW: para 4 was a diversion from the previous narrative direction. The numbering puts me in a frame of mind to expect a sequential telling of the story.

Good luck. I appreciate and enjoy experimentation like this and look forward to seeing where it goes.

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited November 09, 2008).]

Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

Thanks. I might renumber based on chronological order, actually. Some of the 'seeds' aren't in chronological order, you see. And yes, the Hades section does switch to another time. I'll send the story over to you two now. It's only 1600 words and if you want to read it, please do. If not, no hard feelings

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

me, too, please!

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

maybe if you put it in segments, like the seeds are.

Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :

I'd like to see the rest, too

Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

Sent