Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The bus Station (980 words)

This is topic The bus Station (980 words) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

This is from a 13 line challenge that was posted here a couple of weeks ago. I went with it and completed it into a short story (980 words). I don't think its anything special, just a finished piece that I think is enjoyable enough, in its own right and length, to be read. Looking for readers/ any comments that might come to mind.

Thanks!

----

I hate the bus station.
I hate the jostling of strangers and the foreign smells; the transfers on, the transfers off; those little paper transfer tickets; the way the stupid ticket machine won’t accept it every once and awhile because the ticket has been bent to hell from being in a pocket or folded in a book; the way the line of people gets held up and their impatient stares burrow into some poor jerks head while he fumbles with the damn ticket until he gets it right.
The waiting is what I hate the most. I wait with a herd of lower-middle class commoners in the morning cold around the bus stop like it’s a feeding trough. A bunch of underachievers with a bogus sense that the lives they live have a superior

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Inspired by the 13 line challenge thingy, eh?

>once and awhile

In England we say once in awhile.

Commas:

>once and awhile, because

>poor jerks head, while he fumbles w

>ticket, until he gets it right.

>bus stop, like it’s a feeding trough

I think a dash would work better:

>op like it’s a feeding trough--a bunch of underachievers with a bogus sense that the lives they live have a superior

Nice voice--I would read on.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

This sounds like a rant to me. I'm not really drawn in.

Posted by AlizarinFire (Member # 7303) on :

I have to agree. The MC sounds like an angry and arrogant person (he thinks of people as jerks, commoners, and underachievers) and I'm not sure I want to know him better.

Also, the second paragraph is one huge sentence. The listing works for the shorter entries, like the transfers on and off, but stringing together the last two entries is extremely cumbersome.

If you want me to have any sympathy for the MC you need to tell me soon why he is so angry and it will have to be a good reason.

Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

thanks for the input folks.

I guess the sentences are a bit drawn out.

Alizarin - I'm not shooting for sympathy from the reader, you nailed on your first sentence. The guy is a jerk, he has an overdeveloped sense of importance and looks at others as below him--you shouldn't like him.
Does not wanting to know him better mean you would stop reading? Just because an MC isn't a nice guy doesn't mean you should put down a story...does it? I've met lots of interesting jerks in my life. lol

Thanks again for the input!

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited September 19, 2008).]

Posted by AlizarinFire (Member # 7303) on :

I don't necessarily put the book down if the MC is distasteful. At this point I am just wanting some hint as to his motivation or reasoning. Usually an MC bases his arrogance on superior skill, intellect, birth, or appearance. I find that understanding his reasoning helps me relate to the character, even if I don't agree with him. Likely, you give some hint of this in the next few paragraphs, but it wouldn't be hard to throw in a sentence: "Most of all I hated waiting. After all, if they knew who I was, the people would scramble out of the way." That's not a great example but you get the idea.

In any case, just my personal preference. Feel free to ignore!