Thanks!
----
I hate the bus station.
I hate the jostling of strangers and the foreign smells; the transfers on, the transfers off; those little paper transfer tickets; the way the stupid ticket machine won’t accept it every once and awhile because the ticket has been bent to hell from being in a pocket or folded in a book; the way the line of people gets held up and their impatient stares burrow into some poor jerks head while he fumbles with the damn ticket until he gets it right.
The waiting is what I hate the most. I wait with a herd of lower-middle class commoners in the morning cold around the bus stop like it’s a feeding trough. A bunch of underachievers with a bogus sense that the lives they live have a superior
>once and awhile
In England we say once in awhile.
Commas:
>once and awhile, because
>poor jerks head, while he fumbles w
>ticket, until he gets it right.
>bus stop, like it’s a feeding trough
I think a dash would work better:
>op like it’s a feeding trough--a bunch of underachievers with a bogus sense that the lives they live have a superior
Nice voice--I would read on.
Also, the second paragraph is one huge sentence. The listing works for the shorter entries, like the transfers on and off, but stringing together the last two entries is extremely cumbersome.
If you want me to have any sympathy for the MC you need to tell me soon why he is so angry and it will have to be a good reason.
I guess the sentences are a bit drawn out.
Alizarin - I'm not shooting for sympathy from the reader, you nailed on your first sentence. The guy is a jerk, he has an overdeveloped sense of importance and looks at others as below him--you shouldn't like him.
Does not wanting to know him better mean you would stop reading? Just because an MC isn't a nice guy doesn't mean you should put down a story...does it? I've met lots of interesting jerks in my life. lol
Thanks again for the input!
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited September 19, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited September 19, 2008).]
In any case, just my personal preference. Feel free to ignore!